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Ackamee Boscov's. Every moll seems to have a Bosco's where you can get a neat selection of Chia pets. Bosnia Herzegovina Contrary to popular rumor, this is not a department store in Carbondale. Bott Tings It's the turd of the month and da checks are out, so we bott tings at Bosco's. Bowling-Alley Management One of the most popular majors at Luzerne County Community College. "Bring home something for dinner." In Wilkes-Barre's East End, this is what they tell the dog. Bubba's Bugle A more accurate name for The Weekender, where hard-hitting journalism means who's the latest Model of the Week. Bubba Hub Plaza Where they stuck the Barnes & Noble, which still can't figure out Wilkes-Barre's fascination with NASCAR books. Bubba Square Where you find the F.M. Kirby Center, which really packs 'em in for Willie Nelson and Reba. Buh-un You press one of deez tings when you get on the elevator at Bosco's, be-endat the Chia pets are on the second floor. Cabbage Salad Cole slaw, which goes good with stuffed mangos and a Utica Club. The Carbondale/Scranton Highway Where Wilkes-Barre folks think the Viewmont Mall is. Catchy Slogan People Prefer Profera's Pizza Pie Cattycorner Farley's is cattycorner from the courthouse, hayna? Cloze-da light Turn the lamp off, already. Cooties Head lice. If you get cooties, you'll also have a conniption fit. Copenhagen At Borders Books in Scranton, Copenhagen is found in the travel section. At Barnes & Noble in Wilkes-Barre, it's filed under chewing tobacco. Corp House Corpse house Corpse House Funeral home. Why can't they just pack the poor bugger on ice, like the old days? The Cracker Factory Clarks Summit State Hospital The Cross-Gulch Expressway Takes you out to Harvey's Lake. Da Moll The one at Steamtown is nifty, but they need a Tony Harding's in the food court. "The day my ship came in" This is how people in Wilkes-Barre refer to the time they won a case of motor oil from the WARM Sportsline. Da You That fine Jesuit institute of higher learning on Mulberry Street, not far from CMC where they pump alcohol out of kids' stomachs. Some people in the Wyoming Valley probably think it's called the University of Wilkes-Barre/Scranton. Da Valley The Wyoming Valley, which in the minds of some residents extends from Binghamton to Philadelphia, and the Delaware River to the Ohio line. Dee Eynon The now-defunct Sugerman's, home of the classic kuppa-koffy/sanwich combo, better than any Sanwich/Koffy Combo DeLuxe from Tony Harding's. Down da line Pittston and points south. Downtown Over town. Dueling Banjos The #1 prom song in Wilkes-Barre. Dunfergot Heard primarily in little redneck towns like Wilkes-Barre. "Hey Stosh, what's the best way to West Nannycoke?" "Gosh, I dunfergot, hayna?" 8-2-4 (or 822, 823, 825, 829) People in New York sometimes refer to Brooklyn residents as 7-1-8's, because, well, because they can be so gauche. Likewise around here, residents of Hayna-Gulch (Wilkes-Barre) are 8-2-4's, as in: "Who's that moron with the Hot 97 bumper sticker? Must be some clueless 8-2-4." The Evening News Hard Copy Fast food A dead possum lying along Wilkes-Barre Boulevard. Fillem I didn't get a picher of Stanky, be-endat there's no fillem in the camera. Fine Dining In Wilkes-Barre, it's the all-you-can-eat buffet at the Mark II, and you can wear overalls with a John Deere logo. Fire Barn Hose house. Fish Tix Mrs. Poll makes 'em. Flaming Redneck Anyone who thinks there's a place called "Wilkes-Barre"/Scranton. The Flats Where they stuck the Salvation Army Thrift Shop, a good place to visit on the turd of the month, be-endat the checks are out and you gotta wait a kupple-two-tree hours for a beat-up old cab. The Flight Deck The 7th floor of the CMC, where the shrinks work. Fort Bubba The First Union Arena. If you put a regional arena in a bubba location, you've got a Bubba Arena, home of the only hockey team in the world named backwards. 40 people and 32 teeth Front row at Froggy Night at Fort Bubba. The General Lee The nickname for half the cars in the Magic 93 parking lot, now that they've moved to Wilkes-Barre (because of the Stolen Airport Effect) yet pretend to represent the whole region. Grade 'A' Pork Steamtown Gulch Noun: The official language of Hayna-Gulch (Wilkes-Barre). Verb: What management did to Channel 22, moving them from a city (Scranton), to a trailer park (Wilkes-Barre), due in part to the Stolen Airport Effect. The Gulch (See Hayna-Gulch) Gulcher (rhymes with vulture) A resident of Hayna-Gulch Gulch-O-Centrism The delusion that the universe revolves around Wilkes-Barre. Gulch-O-Centrism runs rampant at Magic 93, where Goofy-in-the-Morning spins braindead music like Air Supply and Matchbox 20. Gulch-O-Centrism Run Amok (Example 1) When the front of a Martz bus says the destination is "Wilkes-Barre"/Scranton, making it the Hayna-Bus-to-Hell. Gulch-O-Centrism Run Amok (Example 2) Scranton gives Wilkes-Barre an arena, and Wilkes-Barre is so grateful they name the hockey team backwards. Harass In Wilkes-Barre, this is considered two words. Hayna (and "Ayna") 10-4 good buddy? The Hayna Hut The First Union Arena, also known as Fort Bubba. Hayna-Gulch Wilkes-Barre, where you hear more "haynas" per capita than any town in America. Haynit? Who needs Yale when we got LCC, haynit? Hefty Bag In Wilkes-Barre, this is synonymous with "car window". Her People (or His People) Your mother-in-law & father-in-law, as in "The only reason my kids look goofy is kuzz her people look goofy. It ain't akkowna my people, no-sirree." "Hey, Aunt Sally!" In parts of Wilkes-Barre, this is how some kids address their mother. High Boll What's a wedding without a kupple-two-tree high-bolls in between the chicken dance? High Culture Bob Seger and John Cougar Mellencamp. High Park Hyde Park, home of the Keystone Lunch and other fine dining establishments. The High Life Gulping down a high-boll in High Park. Hillbilly Handbook Chapter 6 tells you how to name your local airport backwards and steal a VA Hospital. Hocker Comes out your mouth when you spit. If it comes from deep down and it's loaded with extra phlegm, it's no longer a hocker -- it's a full-fledged lunger, the kind your grandfather hocked on the sidewalk when he walked you to school. Hoddogs The boys at the hose house fry these suckers up on the grill when there ain't no fires on the scanner, just in time for Jerry Springer. Ho-NESS-Da-Lay Located about 15 miles east of Kar-BONN-Da-Lay. Some people call it Honesdale. Hose House Often located between a beer garden and a corpse house. The Hox These dudes play basketball for Lanna, Georgia. Hubcap windchimes A popular porch accessory in Wilkes-Barre. More exciting than seeing Keith "Carbohydrate" Martin dressed up in a National Guard uniform. The Icebox What grandma calls the refrigerator, whether or not you're hiding Meisterbrau behind the halupki. Indoor Pets In Wilkes-Barre, we're talkin' 'bout goats. Interracial Marriage When Cousin Luigi married that Irish girl and Cousin Rocco married the Protestant. Jeet jet? In other words, did you scarf down those Mrs. T's Pierogies in the freezer? The proper response is "No, jew? But don't worry, Dairy Dan is out there ringin' da bell right now, unless of course you're lactose intolerant." "Jesus Loves You" The cheesy slogan pasted on top of Wilkes-Barre's Posten Cabs. Posten also likes to steal trips from Scranton cab drivers, all in the name of Jesus, one presumes. Jim Eagen's Bar The now-defunct joint where at least one Scranton mayor set up his office. Job-opening at the Jiffy Lube This has caused more than one Wilkes-Barre kid to quit school in the seventh grade. Journey & Foreigner & Heart The greatest bands in the history of recorded civilization, if you live in Simpson. Kar-BONN'-da-lay. Carbondale, where you can shop at Ames and McCrory's all in the same day and you live dangerously close to Simpson. Koffy The best koffy was at the Charl Mont, or was that Pennzoil they served? Korder 15 minutes before or after the hour. "Honey, it's korder ta seven. Ain't doze fish tix done yet? I'm havin' a regular conniption fit in here kuzz the cable's busted and all I can pick up is the I-Team exposing stale donuts at the greasy spoon in Tunkhannock." The Kowney Who needs college? You can get a nice juicy job with The Kowney, laying down orange cones on the highway. KRZ The station that smells like 8-2-4. Kullum Dump Sometimes these are on fire and they smell like moldy eggs and the rest of the country calls 'em culm dumps. There used to be one near the Eynon Street Vaya-Duck, which the rest of America calls a viaduct. Kupple-too-tree A kupple-too-tree hoddogs and a kupple-too-tree Meisterbraüs sure beats a Happy Meal, dammit. Kuzzint If we were a kupple-too-tree miles closer to West Virginia or West Nannycoke it'd be OK to marry your first kuzzint. Lacka Knowledge Lackawanna Junior College Lake Lincoln What grandma calls the Nay Aug pool. Lannick City The destination of all those buses full of 80-year-old guys wearing plaid pants. "Hey, Chester. We want to play checkers. Can we borrow your pants?" LCC LCCC LCCC LCC, where you can major in Bowling Alley Management or Chainsaw Repair. Leisure-time reading In Scranton: "The Art of the Louvre", placed on the parlor coffee table, near the stereo that's tuned into Temple University radio. In Wilkes-Barre: "The Richard Petty Story" (photo-only edition), the coffee table is an old telephone-line spool, and the transistor radio is tuned into the WARM Sports Line, because you never know when they'll be giving away another case of motor oil. Lonn More If you got lots of grass, you need a big lonn more. Lopper Didn't she sing "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"? Oh yeah, her first name is Cyndi. Cyndi Lopper. Lunchtime requests on 102.3, the eighties station From Scranton: "Can you play some Depeche Mode, New Order, or The Cure?" From Wilkes-Barre: "How 'bout some Bon Jovi, Poison, or John Cougar? They ROCK, and we love 'em here in Da Valley." Lunger A major-league hocker. Mary Kay Cosmetics The official employer of half the women in Wilkes-Barre. Mayor McCheese Jim McNulty The Melba Bar Movie director George Lucas used The Melba as the inspiration for the tavern scene in Star Wars. Melk Leave some out for Santa Claus, with the cookies and the kielbasi. John Cougar Mellencamp God, in Nanticoke. Minooka An ancient Indian name meaning "Land of Many Irish Bars." More Excitement than a Human Being Should Be Allowed to Have Philadelphia My senior year If you hear this term in a Wilkes-Barre bar, you know someone's referring to the sixth grade. Nanny Coke Down-da line from Wilkes-Barre, which is down-da line from Pittston. The Nanticoke/Scranton Area It's a good thing that Dan "Steal the Airport Name When No One's Looking" Flood didn't come from Nanticoke, or this is what some rednecks would call the region. The Nanticoke/Wilkes-Barre Area The proper name for Wilkes-Barre, if you follow airport logic. The Nanny-coke/Wilkes-Barre Penguins, hayna? Finally, a good name for the hockey team. NASCAR In Wilkes-Barre, the yearly challenge is to spell this word out with Christmas lights. Once every 3.5 seconds How frequently you hear the word 'hayna' inside the Hayna Hut, also known as the First Union Arena, also known as Fort Bubba. Onnakowna We better head over the bowling alley onnakowna there ain't nothing exciting happening on the scanner, Jerry Springer's over, and there's no WWF until tomorrow. The Order The full list of groceries for the week, which in the old days you picked up at the Ackamee. If you only pick up a kupple-two-tree tings, it sure as hell ain't no order. Original Sin When the airport got Gulched. The other white meat In south Wilkes-Barre, we're talking 'bout possum. Otto |