The Hall of Heaves
(a.k.a. The Worst Songs Ever Recorded)

"The recent history of mankind is the record of a vast conspiracy to impose one level of mechanical consciousness."
Allen Ginsberg

Updated: October 2015

Most recent additions:
  • Stevie Nicks and Kenny Loggins: "Whenever I Call You Friend"
  • Twisted Sister: "We're Not Gonna Take It"
  • The Hooters: "Satellite"
  • Billy Joel: "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant"
  • Moron 5: "Animals" (2014)
  • Kesha: "We R Who We R" (2010)
  • LMFAO: "Sexy and I Know It" (2011)
  • Lorde: "Team" (2013)
  • Bastille: "Pompeii" (2013)
  • Foster the People: "Pumped Up Kicks" (plagiarism)
  • The Lumineers: "Hey Ho" (2012)

    (Special honors to Bob Seger for placing more songs here than any other performer.
    What a bag of hot air this dude is. Each of his albums should include a coupon for a free can of Red Man Tobacco.)

    Corollary lists:
  • The Greatest Songs Ever Recorded
  • Classic tracks of the Alternative / New Wave era

  • Warning: There's Something Here to Piss Off Everyone

    Stations spend so much time and effort deciding what to play, wasting their money on fat, middle-aged consultants whose idea of sophisticated musical expression is Van Halen. Too bad they don't invest as much effort into consciously deciding what not to play. Listed here is the kind of stuff that sabotages ratings by making the more intelligent listeners turn to other stations, as just one John Cougar, Collective Soul, or Third Eye Blind song can ruin a whole hour of otherwise stimulating programming.

    If there's a common thread running through these performers, it's that besides being boring, their commercial success is due more to gimmickry, heavy marketing, crafty P.R. and trendiness rather than inherent quality (isn't that right, Hootie?) giving us that "So what?" feeling when we hear them. Besides that, they generally pander to those of lower intelligence, and stations that play this stuff can't figure out why their remaining listeners are morons.

    Stations might do well to calculate how many listeners they lose when they play two, three, or four lightweights in a row. Is it 10%, 20%, or more? And how long does it take these listeners to come back? An hour, a day, a week, or even longer? There aren't many deejays left who remember how grateful their listeners can feel when you play four or five great songs in a row without corporate deadbeats like Soul Asylum, The Gin Blossoms or The Verve Pipe thrown in.

    For a variety of reasons, most stations have locked themselves into a format that's infested with lightweights. Their only option might be to make sure every other song they play is from the all-time-great list, since these songs would act as anchors to help prevent the more-intelligent listeners from drifting away. This is a zapper culture we live in, as we all know.

    There are thousands of lightweights of course, but here are the most irritating ones. The list helps demonstrate the iron-fisted control the music industry, which despises performers who think for themselves, has grabbed over radio playlists -- including many college radio stations -- in the last several years.

    Consider each song on this list a ratings saboteur . . . . . . .


    The 1400 Cheesiest Songs of the Rock Era






    'Alternative', says SPIN

    Gregory Abbotts

    Shake You Down

    John Gotti Complex

    Paula Abdul

    Blowing Kisses in the Wind

    ...and spreading disease


    Cold Hearted (Snake)

    Snake oil, musical equivalent


    Forever Your Girl

    Herpes is forever, too


    Opposites Attract

    Stick to Cheerleading

    Sheryl Crow for the 80's

    The Promise of a New Day

    Robert-Schuller Pop


    Rush, Rush

    Attempt at Significance

    A career enhanced by

    Straight Up

    . . . the ass

    a closed U.S. market.

    The Way That You Love Me



    Will You Marry Me?

    Will you lose 30 pounds?


    Balls to the Wall

    Humping the mousehole?


    Big Balls

    UPS Driver, in His Dreams


    How Long (Has this Been Going On)

    The Senate, to Monica

    Ace of Base

    All That She Wants a training bra


    The Sign

    Susie's 6th-Grade Sleepover

    Bryan Adams

    Cuts Like a Knife

    Master of Metaphor


    Everything I Do, I Do for You

    Then retire already

    *7th Biggest Dog Ever

    Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman

    Soft-rock lapdog



    ...won't let you in

    Let's hand it to

    Let's Make a Night to Remember

    Now Monica wants Hillary

    Canada for giving us

    Lonely Nights

    Soft-Rock Valium

    Alanis Morissette,

    The Only Thing That Looks Good On Me Is You

    Bill, to Monica

    Anne Murray,

    Rescue Me (Horrible stuff)

    ...from Soft-Rock 93?

    and Bryan Adams.


    Corporate Yes-Man


    Straight from the Heart

    ..and straight up the ass


    Summer of '69

    Revoke his passport


    This Time

    A Case for Deportation


    (I Wanna Be) Your Underwear

    This dude needs a shrink



    Blown Away by the Brits


    Big 10-Inch Record

    Attempt at Risque Humor

    A good case for a


    Flatulata Americana

    mandatory retirement age.

    Dude (Looks Like a Lady)

    Cub Scouts Sing It


    Falling In Love (Is Hard on the Knees)

    15 years behind the times


    I Don't Want to Miss a Thing

    Soundtrack Sluts

    Apparently incapable

    Hole in My Soul

    Musical equivalent of 'roids

    of handling

    Living on the Edge

    ...of Social Security

    intelligent themes.

    Lord of the Thighs

    Dirty Old Men


    Love in an Elevator

    Too old for the steps?


    Rag Doll

    Wrinkle Rock


    Same Old Song and Dance

    Well Put

    Afghan Whigs

    Honky's Ladder

    AMA (Alternative My Ass)

    The Afternoon Delights

    General Hospi-tale

    Rap Run Amok

    Clay Aiken


    . . . so's your relevance

    Air Supply

    All Out of Love

    Gonadically Challenged


    Even the Nights are Better

    Tipper, if Al's got a Stiffy


    Here I Am

    Barf Bag (Super-Size It!)


    Lost in Love

    Pee Wee, at Boys Town


    Making Love Out of Nothing At All

    Oprah in Heat


    Without You

    Chia-Pet Concerto

    Morris Albert


    Opiate of the Masses


    More Than Words Can Say

    Can You Say 'Wimp'?

    Alice in Chains

    Man in the Box

    Malice in Chains

    All for One

    I Swear

    ..I don't get stiffies

    Herb Alpert

    This Guy's In Love With You

    Burned Out, But Herb's Cool


    How Much I Feel

    Pee Wee at the Movies


    You're the Biggest Part of Me

    Bill, to 'Little Bill'


    You're the Only Woman

    What Bill told Monica;
    What Bill told Hillary;
    What Bill told Paula;
    What Bill told Jennifer;
    What Hillary told Tipper?


    Horse With No Name

    Horse Manure


    I Need You

    You Need Nads


    Lonely People

    Soccer-mom with no minivan


    Sister Golden Hair

    Pre-Duncan Sheik


    Tin Man

    Gonadically Challenged


    Ventura Highway

    As bad as the Eagles


    You Can Do Magic

    Tipper, to her shower massage

    Tori Amos

    God (Before writing ornate verse, please master a simple sentence.)

    Dylan Wanna-Be /
    Pretentious Pseudo-Alternative

    The Angels

    My Boyfriend's Back

    ..from chainsaw-repair school

    Paul Anka

    The Teen Commandments

    Pre-Jerry Falwell


    The Times of Your Life

    Kodak-Heaves (Dry)


    You Are My Destiny

    ...the Podunk Holiday Inn?


    You're Having My Baby

    Frontal-Lobotomy Pop

    Fiona Snapple

    Sleep to Dream

    Exciting as Mondale

    April Wine

    Just Between You and Me

    For Vo-Tech Dropouts

    The Archies

    Jingle Jangle



    Sugar Sugar

    Pre-Verve Pipe


    Heat of the Moment

    Attempt at Rock


    Only Time Will Tell

    Attempt at Rock

    The Association


    Valium for the Brain-Dead

    Rick Astley

    Cry for Help

    Rick Ghastly


    Giving Up On Love

    Pee Wee with broken hand


    Never Gonna Give You Up

    ...nor get it up


    She Wants to Dance With Me

    Cucumber in your pants?


    Together Forever

    Forgotten forever

    Atlanta Rhythm Section

    Imaginary Lover

    Pee Wee, to your hand


    So Into You

    Bill, to Monica's tonsils

    Atlantic Starr


    Check for Nads



    Chia-Pet Concerto


    Secret Lovers

    Hillary and Tipper?

    Patti Austin

    Baby Come to Me

    Tipper Spots the Stiffy J

    Frankie Avalon


    Pre-Manilow Wuss-Pop

    The B-52's

    Good Stuff

    Time for a Vacation

    Stevie B

    Because I Love You

    Get a Last Name, You Wimp

    Bachman Turner Overdrive

    Ain't Seen Nothing Yet

    We've Seen Enough


    Let It Ride

    Bachman Turner Overplayed


    Looking Out for #1

    Bachman Turner Overweight


    Roll on Down the Highway

    We got us a convoy!!!


    Taking Care of Business

    Redneck Rumble

    Backstreet Boys

    Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)

    Cousins of Nirvana

    Bad Company

    Bad Company

    Sung at the Forklift Academy

    *8th Biggest Dogs Ever

    Burning Sky

    Attempt at Rock


    Can't Get Enough

    1 more Meisterbrau, please


    Feel Like Makin' Love

    Fat Postal Clerk w/ a Stiffy


    Good Lovin' Gone Bad

    Wakin' up to Oprah

    Power-Chord Overkill

    Movin' On

    Pre-David Lee Roth


    One Night

    Forklift driver, in his dreams


    Ready for Love

    Ready for Retirement?


    Rock & Roll Fantasy

    Rock & Roll Roids


    Rock Steady

    With My New Bowling Bag


    Run With the Pack

    UPS Driver on Acid


    Shooting Star

    Attempt at Meaningful Lyrics

    Bad English

    When I See You Smile

    For Soft-Rock Wimps

    Joan Baez

    Diamonds & Rust

    Almost as boring and pretentious as Bob Dylan

    Marty Balin


    Jefferson Wheelchair

    Barnes & Barnes

    Fish Heads

    Smells Like Oprah


    New Day for You

    Billy Graham complex

    Toni Basil


    Stick to Cheerleading


    Pompeii (2013)

    Unnatural disaster

    Bay City Rollers

    Saturday Night

    Spice Boys from Hell

    Beach Boys


    Where You Belong

    Beastie Boys

    Brass Monkey

    Ape shit


    Cookie Puss

    New Kids with a schtick


    No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn

    Nouveau Gauche


    Paul Revere




    AMA (Alternative My Ass)


    So What'cha Want

    Frat Boys From Hell



    Mall Rat Caught Shoplifting


    Where It's At


    Bee Gees

    Jive Talking

    Leisure Suit (With Sequins)


    Nights on Broadway

    Smells Like Travolta

    Bellamy Brothers

    Let Your Love Flow

    Monica to Bill, at that strategic moment

    The Bells

    Stay Awhile

    Musical Wedgie

    Pat Benatar

    Fire and Ice

    Queen of Overdramatization



    Attempt at Rock


    Hell is for Children

    Hell is 'Soft Rock 93'


    Hit Me With Your Best Shot

    Monica, to Bill



    Steel-Plated Forklift


    Shadows of the Night

    Grew up Near Buttafuoco

    George Benson

    Give Me the Night

    Bill Clinton With a Stiffy
    (One of many, apparently)


    Turn Your Love Around

    Turn the sheep around

    Chuck Berry

    My Ding-a-Ling

    ...might get me impeached

    Elvin Bishop

    Fooled Around and Fell in Love

    Pee Wee, to his right hand

    Stephen Bishop

    It Might Be You

    Too Many Bishops

    The Blackbirds

    Walking in Rhythm

    Attempt at Soul

    Black Crowes




    Hard to Handle

    The way Pee Wee likes it



    Yours is retirement

    Black Eyed Peas

    My Humps

    Hot Walmart

    Blind Melon

    No Rain

    No Talent

    Blink 182

    All the Small Things

    Punk poseurs



    Literary giants

    Bobby Bloom

    Montego Bay

    Al Bundy on Vacation


    I Wanna Be a Lifeguard


    Blue Swede

    Hooked on a Feeling

    Oogachaka, oogachaka

    Blues Traveler


    Give that man another donut

    The BoDeans

    Closer to Free

    30&40-Something/VH1-Fodder Clueless Post-80's Regression

    Michael Bolton

    Can I Touch You There?

    Just do it, wuss-boy


    Dock of the Bay

    Covered once too often


    Georgia on My Mind

    Royalties on your mind?


    How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?

    Pee Wee in Handcuffs


    How Can We Be Lovers (If We Can't Be Friends?)

    What's with the long titles? /
    Makes Gore look exciting

    Is this what they make

    Love is a Wonderful Thing

    So is Integrity

    you listen to in hell?

    To Love Somebody

    Amorous Piggy, Lucky Kermit


    When a Man Loves a Woman

    Kermit With a Green Stiffy


    When I'm Back on My Feet Again

    (Wow, is this bad.)

    Tracy Bonham

    Mother Mother

    'Alternative', says MTV

    Bon Jovi

    Bad Medicine

    Weekend in Newark


    Born to Be My Baby

    Flatulata Americana

    More fun than Bon Ami

    I'll Be There For You

    . . . at the Tag-Team match


    Lay Your Hands on Me

    . . . and get VD


    Living in Sin

    Living on Payola


    Lost Highway

    Bon Cougar Mellencamp


    Livin' On a Prayer

    & workin' on a forklift

    More fun than 'Roids


    Is that a promise?


    Wanted Dead or Alive

    Preferably Dead


    You Give Love a Bad Name

    Obliterated by the Brits

    Jon Bon Jovi

    Midnight in Chelsea

    Beating a Dead Horse

    Daniel Boone

    Beautiful Sunday

    Trailblazer My Ass

    Debbie Boone

    You Light Up My Life

    Ruined more than 1 wedding

    Pat Boone

    Crazy Train

    'Tribute' to Ozzy


    Enter Sandman

    Competition for Metallica


    Tutti Frutti

    Too many Boones



    Classic rock? Classic crock


    Let Me Take You Home Tonight

    ..we'll watch WWF videos


    More Than a Feeling

    Hands in your pockets?


    Peace of Mind

    A Decade Behind the Times


    Rock and Roll Band

    Forklift Fandango

    Boys Like Girls

    The Great Escape ('06)

    Dysfunctional kata

    Boyz II Men

    I'll Make Love to You

    Boy-band baggage

    The Brady Bunch

    Time to Change

    Pre-Puberty / Pre-Hanson

    Laura Branigan




    How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?

    Covered-by-Bolton /
    Soft-Rock Hall of Heaves


    Self Control




    Granola-Bar Soft-Rock


    Baby I'm a Want You

    Attempt at a Clever Title



    Era of the Sensitive Male



    Gonadically Challenged


    It Don't Matter to Me

    Nor to us, for that matter


    Make It With You

    Total Wuss, Rhymes w/ Puss

    Walter Brennan

    Old Rivers   ('62)


    Brewer and Shipley

    One Toke Over the Line

    Granola-Bar Pop

    Edie Brickel & the New Bohemians

    What I Am

    1/2-Ass Attempt at Significance

    Meredith Brooks



    Brotherhood of Man

    United We Stand

    'Cuz you got 'roids?

    Jackson Browne

    Doctor My Eyes

    Lyricist My Ass

    Among Top 5 Dogs

    For a Rocker

    How would you know?

    All his songs are the

    Here Come Those Tears Again

    Listening to your own stuff?

    same, with slight

    Lawyers in Love

    Most insipid song ever?


    Load Out / Stay

    Hyper-Pretentious PSR

    Perhaps no other

    Looking East

    You've gone south

    performer has done

    On the Boulevard

    Bush-League Bore

    more damage to the

    The Pretender


    credibility of classic rock

    Redneck Friend

    Ode to John Cougar?

    than this wanker.

    Rock Me on the Water

    What the hell does that mean?


    Running on Empty

    Rigged-Market Rumba


    Somebody's Baby

    Better than Sleeping Pills


    Tender is the Night

    King of the Wussies


    That Girl Could Sing

    . . . Better Than You


    You Love the Thunder

    Retired 20 years too late

    Brownsville Station

    Smokin' in the Boys Room


    Peabo Bryson

    By the Time This Night is Over

    Tipper Wants It

    Buckner & Garcia

    Pac Man Fever

    Two-bit cash-in

    Rocky Burnette

    I'm Tired of Towing the Line

    Probably Related to Carol


    Come Down

    Glue Sniffer / AMA / MTV


    Everything Zen

    Everything Playskool



    Diaper-Rash Rock

    Buzz Hungry


    'Alternative,' says MTV

    John Cafferty & the Beaver Brown Band

    On the Dark Side

    Cheezy Springsteen Imitation

    Glen Campbell

    Rhinestone Cowboy

    Billy Jack in New York


    Far Behind

    Rookie Forklift Driver

    Captain & Toenail

    Do It To Me One More Time

    Nympho or something?


    Love Will Keep Us Together

    So will 'Love Boat' reruns


    Muskrat Love

    Hillary & Bill in the Woods

    Irene Cara

    What a Feeling

    Pee Wee in the bathtub

    Belinda Carlisle

    Circle in the Sand



    Heaven is a Place on Earth

    Heaven is fen-phen


    I Get Weak

    Related to Bob?

    Bob Carlisle

    Butterfly Kisses

    In the Worst 100 Ever

    Eric Carmen

    All By Myself

    Good enough for Pee Wee


    Hungry Eyes

    1/2-Ass Movie Tie-In


    Make Me Lose Control

    Tipper to her shower massage

    Kim Carnes

    Bette Davis Eyes

    One-Hit Blunder

    The Carpenters

    Close to You


    (Yes, Karen did

    Mr. Postman


    have talent)




    (I'm On) Top of the World

    Sedaka Porks Pollyanna


    We've Only Just Begun

    Tipper puts the batteries in

    Paul Carrack

    Don't Shed a Tear

    Get some cajones

    Jim Carrol Band

    People Who Died

    Don't Give up the Day Job

    Johnny Cash

    A Boy Named Sue

    Attempt at Humor

    Peter Cetera

    The Glory of Love

    Soft-Rock Valium

    Chairman of the Board

    Give Me Just a Little More Time

    When Al can't get it up

    Harry Chapin

    Cat's in the Cradle

    Attempt at Significance


    30,000 Pounds of Bananas

    Don't quit your day job


    I've Never Been to Me

    Is your hand broken?


    Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves

    Sodom & Gomorrah


    Half Breed

    Half Ass


    If I Could Turn Back Time

    . . . . I'd Never Marry Sonny
    (God bless his soul.)


    I've Found Someone

    Probably 20 Years Your Junior

    Neneh Cherry

    Buffalo Stance

    Amy Grant with an attitude


    Good Times

    Coke-Head Pop


    Baby What a Big Surprise

    Wakin' up to RuPaul


    Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?

    Time for retirement


    Hard Habit to Break

    Musical Masturbation

    Placebo Pop:

    If She Would Have Been Faithful

    Maybe she wanted nads

    Upon closer inspection,


    Theirs must be VH1

    nothing's there.

    Look Away
    (Maybe their worst song ever)

    Soft-Rock Hall of Heaves /
    Flatulata Americana


    Old Days

    Smells Like Kate Smith


    Saturday in the Park



    Stay the Night

    Hilary to Monica?


    25 or 6 to 4

    Attempt at Sophistication

    Jane Child

    Don't Wanna Fall in Love

    With powdery substances?

    Ciccone Youth

    Addicted to Love ('88)

    (Sonic-but-Boring Youth)


    Don't Know What You Got 'Til It's Gone

    Poodle Rock


    Gypsy Road

    Smells like Cher

    Eric Clapton

    Wonderful Tonight

    Call it a day, Eric

    The Classics Four

    Every Day With You, Girl

    Happy 60's


    Precious and Few

    ..were good 70's songs

    Climax Blues Band

    Couldn't Get It Right

    You Said It

    Tom Cochrane

    Life is a Highway

    Master of Metaphor

    Joe Cocker

    You Can Leave Your Hat On

    Washed-Up Wanker

    Marc Cohn

    Walking in Memphis

    Pseudo roots-rock

    Paula Cole

    I Don't Want to Wait
    (She compares herself to The Beatles.)

    Flavor of the Month /
    'Women First!", talent 2nd

    Collective Soul


    AMA (Alternative My Ass)



    Post-80's Regression



    Collective sell-outs

    Skynyrd for the 90's

    Precious Declaration

    Almost a 'Worst 100'



    Cosmo Kramer, Assman

    Isolationist Rock

    Where the River Flows

    More 70's Southern Rock


    The World I Know


    Phil Collins


    Phil Knows Better

    Color Me Badd

    I Wanna Sex You Up

    Smells like Prince

    Shawn Colvin

    You and the Mona Lisa

    "Women 1st!", Talent 2nd

    Commander Cody & His Lost Planet Airmen

    Hot Rod Lincoln

    Green Teeth and Red Necks & an NRA Membership Card

    The Commodores



    The Cookies

    Don't Say Nothing Bad About My Baby

    Pre-Beatles Nonsense

    Alice Cooper


    Post-60's Regression


    Only Women (Bleed)

    Pre-Marilyn Manson


    School's Out

    Integrity's out

    Cornelius Brothers and Sister Rose

    It's Too Late to Turn Back Now

    Leisure-Suit Sonata

    Chris Cornell

    You Know My Name

    Soundgarden lackey

    John Cougar

    The Authority Song

    Yee-Haw, Bobbie Lee!!

    The epitome of

    Check It Out

    Pre-Matchbox 20, hay-yupp!

    affirmative action for

    Cherry Bomb

    Pass the Skoal, Billie Sue!

    confederate pop.

    Crumblin' Down

    Flatulata Indiana

    In a free and open

    Hurts So Good

    More Fun than Fertilizer

    market, one based

    I Need a Lover

    ..& a new wad of chew

    upon integrity & quality,

    Jack & Dianne

    Rigged-Market Rumba

    Joy Division would be

    Lonely Old Night

    No problem, call Pee Wee

    a household

    Our Country

    Kindergarten-level patriotism

    name and

    Paper and Fire

    Green-Acres Pop

    little Johnny Cougar

    Pink Houses

    Walmart Radio Network

    would still be

    Pop Singer Indiana standards

    milking cows

    R.O.C.K. in the USA

    S.U.C.K. in the USA

    back in Indiana.

    Small Town

    Pass the Grits, Billy Jack!


    This Time

    Musical aspartame

    America has been had.

    Wild Night

    Boxcar Willie in Heat

    Counting Crows

    Mr. Jones

    Fodder for Letterman Show


    'Round Here

    Post-80's Regression


    One Tin Soldier: Legend of Billy Jack

    Pre-Cougar / Pass the Beans

    The Cowsills

    Indian Lake

    Native-American Lake, to the politically-correct

    Les Crane



    Crash Test Dummies

    Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

    Baritone from hell



    Flatulata Americana


    With Arms Wide Open

    Nominee for Worst 100

    Creedence Clearwater Revival

    Down on the Corner

    NRA Rock /
    Smells Like Cougar


    Looking Out My Back Door

    & seein' Jed & Jethro


    Sweet Hitchhiker

    Pass the Skoal, Reba!


    Up Around the Bend the Shady Rest, hay-yupp!

    Jim Croce

    Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown

    Obliterated by the Brits


    I'll Have to Say I Love You in a Song

    Love Stinks


    I've Got a Name

    ...but no cajones



    Era of the Sensitive Male


    Time in a Bottle

    Attempt at Significance


    You Don't Mess Around With Jim

    Trailer-Park Tango

    Crosby, Stills & Nash

    Just a Song Before I Go

    Just Go


    Our House

    Pre-Bob Vila

    Christopher Cross

    Arthur's Theme

    Soccer Mom's first 45


    Ride Like the Wind

    Break Like the Wind

    Sheryl Corporate Crow

    All I Wanna Do

    Too Many Crows / Crowes

    Paula Abdul for the 90's

    Can't Cry Anymore

    Corporate-Puppet Pop


    D'yer Make'r

    Chia-Pet Cha Cha

    VH1 Confederate Pop

    Everyday is a Winding Road

    VH1 "Honors" / Major Heave



    Sheryl Cougar Mellencamp

    All-time-dog status

    If It Makes You Happy The Gavin Report called this one 'alternative.'

    Viacom-munism /
    Flatulata Americana

    appears inevitable for

    Leaving Las Vegas

    Aren't they lucky!

    this liteweight opportunist.

    Strong Enough win worthless Grammys


    Tomorrow Never Dies

    Fortunately, pretense does

    The Cufflinks


    Doris Day for the 70's

    Cutting Crew

    Died in Your Arms

    No-Nad Nation

    Burton Cummings

    Stand Tall

    Al Bundy in the Mirror

    Billy Ray Cyrus

    Achy Breaky Heart


    Daddy Dewdrop


    Post-60's Regression

    Damn Yankees

    High Enough

    Forklift at Full Throttle

    Charlie Daniels Band

    Devil Went Down to Georgia

    ...and brought you back


    This Ain't No Rag, It's a Flag

    Patriotism, Walmart style


    Over You ('07)

    Confederate Idol

    Mac Davis

    Baby Don't Get Hooked On Me

    Goes good with Billy Beer


    I Believe in Music

    Pre-VH1 Country Pop

    Paul Davis

    Cool Night

    Soft-Rock Septic Tank


    I Go Crazy

    Gonadically Challenged


    '65 Love Affair

    For wimps, simps & gimps

    Sammy Davis Jr.

    Candy Man

    Pollyanna's First 45

    Doris Day

    Whatever Will Be, Will Be (Que Sera, Sera)

    Pre-Imbruglia / Pre-Jewel /
    Pre-Paula Cole

    Taylor Dayne

    I'll Be Your Shelter

    ...a big one at that


    Love Will Lead You Back

    Leo Buscaglia Wanna-Be


    Tell It To My Heart

    Grew up near Billy Joel


    With Every Beat of My Heart

    All Her Stuff is the Same

    Deadeye Dick

    New Age Girl

    Waste of Good Sperm

    Dead Milkmen

    Bitchin' Camaro

    College Radio Hall of Heaves


    Instant Club Hit (You'll Dance to Anything)

    Corporate-directed isolationism

    Jimmy Dean

    Big John



    Rhythm of the Night

    Sedaka Porkin' Pollyanna

    Chris DeBurgh

    The Lady in Red

    Supermarket Muzak

    Del Amitri

    Roll to Me

    'Alternative', says WNEW

    Deep Blue Something

    Breakfast at Tiffany's

    VH1 Poster Children

    Rick Dees & His Cast of Idiots

    Disco Duck

    Weird Uncle Clem, who sells guns at Wal-Mart

    Def Leppard

    Pour Some Sugar On Me

    Forklift Driver with Hiccups

    The DeFranco Family

    Heartbeat, It's a Lovebeat

    Soft-Rock Prototype

    Delaney & Bonnie & Friends

    Never Ending Song of Love

    It seemed that way

    John Denver
    (May God bless his soul)

    Thank God I'm a Country Boy

    Garth is God / God is Garth

    The DeVinyls

    I Touch Myself

    So Does Pee Wee

    Rick Derringer

    Rock & Roll, Hoochie Koo


    Neil Diamond

    (Coming to) America

    Attempt at Patriotism


    Girl, You'll be a Woman Soon


    Mark Dinning

    Teen Angel

    Pre-David Geddes

    Dinosaur Junior

    Feel the Pain

    You mean, feel your voice?


    Out There

    Alternative Wanna-Be

    Celine Dion

    It's All Coming Back to Me Now

    Canine Dion

    Dire Straits

    Money for Nothing

    For UPS Drivers Named Carl


    Solid Rock

    Solid con-job


    Walk of Life

    Keep Walking

    Disco Tex & His Sexolettes

    Get Dancin'

    Leisure Suit (Pink)


    Counting Blue Cars

    Illiterate Slacker with a Pager

    Dr. Hook

    Baby Makes Her Blue Jeans Talk

    What's This Guy's Agenda?


    Cover of the Rolling Stone

    A Place You Don't Want to Be


    Only 16

    Old enough for Seinfeld


    Sylvia's Mother



    When You're in Love with a Beautiful Woman

    Pre-'Soft Rock 93'

    Dr. John

    Right Place, Wrong Time

    Too Many Doctors

    Dog's Eye View

    Everything Falls Apart

    For MTV Slackers

    Bo Donaldson

    Billy, Don't Be a Hero

    Sung at VH1 studios

    The Doobie Brothers

    Black Water

    PSR (Post-60's Regression)


    China Grove



    (Music Is) The Doctor

    Proctology Rock

    Pat Boone for the 70's

    Jesus is Just Alright

    PSR / Christian Rock


    Listen to the Music

    Pre-Gin Blossoms


    Long Train Runnin'

    Derailment in D Minor


    Rockin' Down the Highway

    ...with plenty of Skoal


    Takin' It to the Streets

    ....of Tulsa?


    Captain of Her Heart

    Soft-Rock 'Roids

    Carl Douglas

    Kung Fu Fighting

    Pre-Weird Al (Gore)

    Mike Douglas

    The Men in My Little Girl's Life

    Madonna's First 45

    Patty Duke

    Don't Just Stand There ('65)


    Robbie Dupree

    Hot Rod Hearts

    Richard-Petty Pop


    Steal Away

    Blown the Brits

    Sheila E.

    The Glamorous Life

    Get a Last Name Already


    Love Bizarre

    Smells Like Prince

    The Eagles

    Already Gone

    Planet Agway

    *Among 5 Biggest Dogs

    Best of My Love

    Post-60's Regression


    The Greeks Don't Want No Freaks

    Attempt at Clever Lyrics

    They took the ball from

    Heartache Tonight

    Out of Skoal?

    the 60's bands and

    Hotel California

    Pre-Garth Brooks

    ran backwards.

    In the City

    Boxcar Willie's Memoirs


    James Dean

    Planet Peoria


    Life in the Fast Lane

    Bowl 300, Win a Meisterbrau


    On the Border

    Return of Billy Jack

    Confederate Pop-Rock

    Peaceful, Easy Feeling

    Era of the Sensitive Male


    Take It Easy

    Running low on Skoal?

    Pre-Isolationist Nation

    Take It to the Limit

    Take It Up the Ass


    Those Shoes

    ...smell like Skynyrd


    Victim of Love

    Divorced Forklift Driver

    Sheena Easton

    The Lover in Me

    Pre-Sarah McLachlan


    Morning Train (9 to 5)




    Rhymes With Slut


    Sugar Walls

    Post-Vicki Lawrence


    You Could Have Been With Me

    ..and you would've had herpes

    Edison Lighthouse

    Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes

    Wrap That Rascal

    Jonathan Edwards


    Jimmy-Carter Pop

    Walter Egan

    Magnet & Steel

    Master of Metaphor

    Electric Light Orchestra

    Evil Woman

    Post-60's Regression (PSR)


    Shine a Little Love

    Burned Out

    Shirley Ellis

    The Name Game

    Let's Do Tipper!


    Guilty Conscience



    My Name Is

    . . . Eminasshole

    England Dan & John Ford Coley

    I'd Really Love to See You Tonight

    Gonadically Challenged

    In Medieval times

    Love is the Answer

    Total wuss, rhymes w/ puss

    they beheaded people
    for less

    Nights are Forever Without You

    Sedaka, when Pollyanna has a headache


    We'll Never Have to Say Goodbye Again Soft Rock 93

    Gloria Estefan

    Always Tomorrow

    Shameless marketing


    Cuts Both Ways

    Profound thought, eh?

    She's a master at


    Sesame-Street Pop

    exploiting the soft-rock


    For Clueless 40-Somethings

    marketing niche.

    Words Get in the Way

    So do hemorrhoids



    Fed-Ex Drivers Sing It


    The Final Countdown

    UPS Driver, Last Round


    Father of Mine

    Modern-Rock Meatheads


    Santa Monica

    Monica was a saint?


    Kiss You All Over

    Monica, to Little Willie


    More Than Words

    Attempt at Significance

    Shelley Fabares

    Johnny Angel

    Pre-Britney Spears

    Donna Fargo

    Happiest Girl in the Whole USA

    Yee-Haw!! / Pre-Garth

    Kevin Federline (K-Fed)



    Jose Feliciano

    Feliz Navidad

    Christmas Cash-In

    Jay Ferguson

    Thunder Island

    Where Al First Porked Tipper

    The Fifth Dimension

    Wedding Bell Blues



    Hey Man, Nice Shot

    Illiterate Slacker With a Pager


    Just Remember I Love You

    Total Wuss, Rhymes w/ Puss


    You Are the Woman

    Heard on 'No-Nad 93'


    Don't Treat Me Bad

    Glue-Sniffer Rock


    Love of a Lifetime

    Hose job

    The Firm


    Attempt at Rock

    First Class

    Beach Baby

    Frontal-Lobotomy Pop

    Five for Fighting

    100 Years

    Dave Matthews disease



    Cage-match cretins

    The Five Stairsteps

    O-o-h Child

    Leisure-Suit Soul

    Five Man Electrical Band


    5 Man Red-Neck-tical Band

    Roberta Flack

    That's the Time (I Feel Like Making Love to You)

    Pre-Tori Amos

    Flack w/ Donny Hathaway

    The Closer I Get to You

    Era of the Insipid Duet

    Flaming Lips

    She Don't Use Jelly

    Flaming Arse-holes

    Flying Machine

    Smile a Little Smile For Me (Rose Marie)

    Candidate for a VH1 biography

    Dan Fogelberg


    Sure ain't your schlong

    John Fogerty


    Let's Go Bowling!


    Stone Blue


    The Foo Fighters

    Big Me
    (Ch-ch-ch-Chia! Foo-foo-foo Fighter!)

    Illiterate Slacker w/ a Pager /
    Shows true colors of Nirvana


    I'm In Love With a German Film Star

    Desecration of a masterpiece


    Learn to Fly

    Learn to compose


    Monkey Wrench (Horrible stuff)

    Mass Marketing 101

    Steve Forbert

    Romeo's Tune

    Podunk Strikes Back

    Lita Ford

    Kiss Me Deadly

    80's-Rock Trailer-Park Slut


    Cold As Ice

    'Roids of Rock

    *6th Biggest Dogs Ever

    Dirty White Boy

    Security Guard on Acid


    Double Vision

    Stoned Fed-Ex Driver

    A band totally

    Feels Like the First Time

    Rookie Forklift Driver

    out of sync

    Head Games

    Chewing Tobacco Cha Cha

    with the breathtaking

    Hot Blooded

    Dumbest lyrics ever?

    changes taking place

    I Want to Know What Love Is

    Vo-Tech Poetry Class

    in rock music

    Juke Box Hero

    Frat Boy from Hell

    at the time.

    Say You Will

    I Spilled My Meisterbrau! L

    That's why they got

    That Was Yesterday

    And so were you

    so much U.S. airplay.


    UPS truck low on gas


    Waiting for a Girl Like You

    Lecherous Postal Clerk

    The Fortunes

    Here Comes that Rainy Day Feeling Again

    Wet Behind the Ears

    Foster the People

    Pumped Up Kicks

    Peter Bjorn & John plagiarists

    Four Non Blondes

    What's Up

    Not your career

    The Four Seasons

    Oh What a Night (December '63)

    When you should've retired


    Who Loves You (Baby)

    Heard on the Love Boat

    The Four Tops

    Ain't No Woman Like the One I Got

    Hope it's not Janet Reno

    Connie Francis

    Where the Boys Are

    Pee Wee's first 45

    The Fray

    How to Save a Life

    Beyond resuscitation


    All Right Now

    "Guitar Rock!" Commercial

    The Free Movement

    I've Found Someone of My Own


    Glenn Frey

    The Heat is On

    Al Bundy in Sunglasses


    Smuggler's Blues

    You're so cool it hurts


    True Love

    Imaginative Title


    You Belong to the City

    Oklahoma City


    Some Nights

    Kiddie baiting


    Carry On

    Toddler baiting


    We Are Young

    Cretin baiting

    Kenny G.

    The Moment

    His songs don't just sound the

    Get a last name, already.


    same, they are the same.


    I Believe in Music

    ...but apparently not in nads


    It's So Nice to Be With You

    Sedaka Plugs Pollyanna

    The Gap Band

    You Dropped a Bomb on Me

    Tribute to Literacy

    Leif Garrett

    I Was Made for Dancin'

    You Were Made. Period.

    Gloria Gaynor

    I Will Survive

    As If We Care

    David Geddes

    The Last Game of the Season
    (Blind Man in the Bleachers)

    Most shameless song ever.


    Run, Joey, Run

    Worst song ever recorded?

    J. Geils Band


    Stashed under the forklift seat


    Freeze Frame

    Top request of UPS drivers

    Product of an

    I Must Have Got Lost

    Same forklift, new warehouse

    isolationist market.

    Love Stinks

    So does Aqua Velva





    Rico Suave

    Vanilla Ice goes Latino

    Debbie Gibson

    In Your Eyes

    Grew up near Billy Joel

    Nick Gilder

    Hot Child in the City

    Pre-Vanilla Ice

    Gin Blossoms

    Allison Road

    VH1 Poster Children

    Doobie Brothers

    Follow You Down

    Serious Gonad Deficiency

    for the 90's, who

    Found Out About You

    Soft Rock in Disguise

    were the Pat Boones

    Hey Jealousy

    Post-80's Regression

    of the 70's

    'Til I Hear It From You

    Post-Sedaka Isolationism


    Until I Fall Away

    Professional Whiners

    Glass Tiger

    Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone

    Canadian Air Supply



    Ka-Ka Pop

    The Go Go's

    We Got the Beat

    & we got the fen-phen, too

    Bobby Goldsboro

    The Autumn of My Life




    Pollyanna on Acid


    Watching Scotty Grow

    Pee Wee's Sexual Fantasy

    Andrew Gold

    Lonely Boy

    Serves you right


    Thank You for Being a Friend

    Who are you, Mr. Rogers?

    Goo Goo Dolls


    Bush-League Bores

    Isolationist Pop/Rock


    Goo Goo Schmucks

    Go West

    King of Wishful Thinking

    King of Kitsch

    Larry Graham

    One in a Million (Chance of a Lifetime)

    Ruined More Than 1 Wedding

    Lou Gramm

    Midnight Blue

    Forklift Driver, 3rd Shift

    Grand Funk Railroad

    Some Kind of Wonderful

    Music to Bale Hay By


    We're An American Band

    We Can Tell

    Amy Grant

    Baby Baby



    Every Heartbeat (Belongs to You)

    ...if you have a pulse


    I Will Remember You

    Christian Soft Rock


    That's What Love is For

    Imaginative title, eh?

    The Grass Roots

    Sooner or Later

    Preferably Never

    David Gray


    Nasal drip

    Dobie Gray

    Drift Away

    Soft-Rock Opium

    R.B. Greaves

    Take a Letter, Maria

    Smells Like Tony Orlando

    Lorne Green


    Pass the Beans, Bucko

    Green Day

    When I Come Around

    "I think Green Day is Rancid"
    -- John Lydon (Johnny Rotten)

    Lee Greenwood

    God Bless the USA

    And Pay Up Your NRA Dues

    Henry Gross


    One of the 10 Worst Ever

    The Guess Who

    Clap for the Wolfman

    STD in B Minor

    Sammy Hagar

    I Can't Drive 55

    Forklift Driver, Midlife Crisis

    Hall & Oates

    Family Man

    Typical Philadelphia crap


    I Can't Go for That

    Tipper to the Anal Intruder


    Kiss on My List

    Kiss THIS


    Man Eater

    Monica's First Record


    Sarah Smile

    Rhymes with pre-nubile


    Starting All Over Again

    Embarrassment to Phila.

    Hamilton, Joe Frank, and Reynolds

    Don't Pull Your Love

    The Palma Sutra?

    MC Hammer

    Pumps and a Bump

    Brilliant (by MTV standards)


    U Can't Touch This ('90)

    He's right

    Albert Hammond

    It Never Rains in Southern California

    Smells like Manilow


    MMMBop (Diaper-Rash Pop)

    Return of the Brady Bunch

    The Happenings

    I'll See You in September


    Richard Harris

    MacArthur Park

    7 Minutes too Long

    George Harrison

    I've Got My Mind Set On You

    (See Ringo Starr)

    Corey Hart

    Never Surrender

    ...your spandex pants


    Sunglasses at Night

    You're so cool it hurts

    Dan Hartman

    I Can Dream About You

    For Soft-Rock Cretins

    Head East

    Never Been Any Reason

    Flunked the Forklift Academy


    All I Wanna Do Is Make Love to You

    Fat-fetish fandango



    . . . with my fen-phen

    *Among 5 Biggest Dogs


    Is that what it smells like?

    And these girls are BIG

    Crazy on You

    Heard in Cell Block H


    Dreamboat Annie

    Same fate as the Titanic


    Even It Up

    Bowling-Alley Boogie

    Seattle music


    Al Bundy in a Bad Mood

    was irrelevant

    Kick It Out

    Rigged-Market Rumba

    even back then.

    Little Queen

    HMS Phat Phukkerz


    Magic Man

    ...with an obesity fetish



    When They'll Diet


    Nothin' At All

    Pass the cheesecake, baby

    Apparently incapable

    Secret, Tall, Dark, Handsome Stranger

    In These Porkers' Dreams

    of handling

    Straight On

    .. to the fen-phen bottle

    sophisticated themes.

    What About Love?

    What about exercise?


    Who Will You Run To?

    Run to VH1, they'll play you.


    Always & Forever

    Wedding song from hell


    Boogie Nights

    Honeymoon in Newark

    Don Henley

    All She Wants to Do is Dance

    Tipper After a Highball


    The Boys of Summer

    Pee Wee goes to camp

    Like Glen Frey, this guy

    Dirty Laundry

    Al Bundy, Social Critic

    thinks he's cool.

    The End of the Innocence

    Attempt at Sophistication


    The Heart of the Matter

    Rolling Stone poster child


    Johnny Can't Read

    ...and you can't sing


    New York Minute

    As if he knows


    Sunset Grill

    Grilled Cheese


    The Last Worthless Evening

    Ninth worthless song

    Bertie Higgins

    Key Largo

    Al Bundy's Weekend Retreat

    Dan Hill

    Can't We Try

    Soft-Rock Suck-Up


    Sometimes When We Touch

    Pee Wee Alone at the Movies

    Hillside Singers

    I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing

    Tipper Approves!

    The Hollies

    The Air That I Breathe

    A Good Band Gone Bad

    Rupert Holmes

    Escape (The Pina Colada Song)

    Pina Ka-Ka

    Honey Cone

    Want Ads

    False Advertising

    Honeymoon Suite

    Feel It Again


    The Hooters

    And We Danced

    More evidence that nothing


    All You Zombies

    much comes out of


    Day by Day




    Weaseled onto Live Aid

    Hootie & The Blowfish

    Hold My Hand

    Huey Lewis for the 90's . . .

    Chapel Hill & Seattle

    Let Her Cry

    . . . (With Baggier Pants)

    should both be nuked

    Only Wanna Be With You

    For Clueless 40-Somethings

    into oblivion.

    Tucker's Town

    Corporate Puppets?

    Bruce Hornsby

    Across the River

    Yet more proof that 'rock'

    An abominable lack of

    Every Little Kiss

    radio has been utterly

    talent, vision & charisma,

    Lost Soul

    rigged, sanitized, and

    not to mention nads.

    The Way It Is

    dumbed down for morons.

    Hot Butter


    Pollyanna Unsaturated

    Hot Chocolate

    You Sexy Thing

    You Opportunist Thangs

    Whitney Houston

    I Will Always Love You

    Tipper to her Shower Massage

    The Hues Corporation

    Rock the Boat

    Please, not with 'Heart' in it

    The Human League



    Engelbert Humperdinck

    After the Lovin'

    Lesbian Seagull wasn't bad.

    Bryan Hyland

    Sealed With a Kiss

    Kiss THIS, you wuss

    Terry Jacks

    Seasons in the Sun

    Heat Exhaustion

    The Jackson Five




    Rockin' Robin

    Training-Bra Pop

    Janet Jackson


    Marketing 101

    An All-Time Dog


    Tipper Gettin' Down



    Smells Like Madonna



    ...right outta here, please

    Theatre & choreography


    Related to Milli Vanilli?

    do not music maketh.

    Let's Wait Awhile

    Written by an MBA?


    Love Will Never Do (Without You)

    Hollywood yes, music no

    Her handlers probably


    Oh what vocal range

    wouldn't let her tackle

    Pleasure Principle

    The Joys of Nepotism

    an intelligent theme.

    What Have You Done for Me Lately?

    It Ain't What You Know . . .


    When I Think of You

    Thinking of Ellen DeGeneres?

    Michael Jackson


    Diaper-Rash Pop / Pre-Hanson

    The Jaggerz

    The Rapper

    Smells like The Clapper

    The James Gang

    Funk 49

    Red-Man Rumba


    Walk Away

    Not with my Meisterbrau!

    Al Jarreau

    We're in This Love Together


    Jefferson Starship

    Count On Me

    Jefferson Wheelchair


    Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now

    Jefferson Star-Shit


    Play on Love

    Sludge of the 70's


    We Built This City

    You Bilked This City

    The Jets

    Crush on You

    When Oprah gets on top


    You Got It All

    Pre-'N Sync

    Joan Jett

    I Love Rock and Roll

    Sung on the Loading Dock



    Lightweight Opportunist


    You Were Meant for Me



    Sky High

    Do the 8-Track Tango

    Billy Joel




    Big Shot

    Joey on cover of N.Y. Post


    Captain Jack

    My Forklift Runs on Cheese


    Don't Ask Me Why

    ...the market's rigged



    Forklift can't get it up


    I Go to Extremes

    Forklift in 5th Gear


    Innocent Man

    Jury on the take?


    In the Middle of the Night

    King Schlager


    It's Still Rock & Roll to Me

    Buttafuoco on a Forklift

    Another musical giant

    Just the Way You Are

    Buttafuoco, after doing EST

    from Long Island,

    Keeping the Faith

    Not to mention the royalties

    just like

    The Longest Time

    An affront to doo-wop

    Eddie Money,

    A Matter of Trust

    Soft-Rock Rumba

    Taylor Dayne,

    Movin' Out

    Run, Joey Buttafuoco, Run

    Twisted Sister,

    My Life

    Billy ME ME ME ME ME

    Pat Benatar,

    Only the Good Die Young

    Buttafuoco Should Know

    Debbie Gibson,


    Small forklift, big truck

    and Kiss.

    River of Dreams

    Buttafuoco goes soft-rock


    Scenes from an Italian Restaurant

    Cougar-Mellencamp, NY-style


    Tell Her About It

    Smells like Huey Lewis


    Uptown Girl

    Tipper at Bloomie's


    We Didn't Start the Fire

    Al Bundy on 'Face the Nation'


    You May Be Wrong (But You May Be Right)

    Make up your mind already


    You're Only Human (Second Wind)

    Break Like the Wind

    Elton John

    Bennie and the Jets

    We all have our bad days


    Philadelphia Freedom

    Exciting stuff, to Ben Franklin

    Elton John & Kiki Dee

    Don't Go Breaking My Heart

    Insipid 70's Duet

    Robert John

    Sad Eyes

    Too Many Johns

    Johnny Hates Jazz

    Shattered Dreams

    Soccer-mom totals her minivan

    Sammy Johns

    Chevy Van

    Tipper's Fondest Memory

    Don Johnson


    Nominee for Worst 100

    Michael Johnson

    Bluer Than Blue

    Bleu Cheese

    Howard Jones

    Things Can Only Get Better

    Scintillating Title

    Rickie Lee Jones

    Chuck E's In Love

    Pre-Sheryl Crow

    Tom Jones


    A Decade Behind the Times


    She's a Lady

    Stud Pop



    Classic rock? Classic crock


    Any Way You Want It

    For forklift academy dropouts

    *9th Biggest Dogs Ever

    Don't Stop Believing

    Flatulata Americana



    Planet Meisterbrau

    It's doubtful these


    Isolationism in Action

    lightweight opportunists

    Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'

    'Roids of Rock

    could have thrived

    Message of Love

    UPS Driver in Heat

    if U.S. rock stations

    Open Arms

    Barf Bag, Heave Deep

    hadn't slammed the door

    Send Her My Love

    ... by forklift

    on the British,

    Separate Ways

    Rigged-Market Rumba

    as directed

    Stone in Love

    Doin' it in the UPS truck

    by advertisers.

    Wheel in the Sky

    Walmart Cassette Rack


    Who's Crying Now

    Trailer Park Tango


    Carry on My Wayward Son

    Prodigal Forklift Operator


    Dust in the Wind

    Al Bundy in Deep Thought


    Point of No Return

    Why Do They Bother?

    Katrina and the Waves

    Walking on Sunshine

    Chia-Pet Cha Cha

    Toby Keith

    Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American)

    The ugly American with the warped sense of patriotism


    We R Who We R

    Truckstop Tramp

    Kid Rock

    American Bad Ass

    American Fat Ass



    Disgrace to Detroit


    Yodeling in the Valley

    Kid Dumphuk

    Kid Rock & Sheryl Corporate Crow


    No balls, two strikes

    Andy Kim

    Rock Me Gently

    What the hell does that mean?

    King Harvest

    Dancing in the Moonlight

    ...behind the Podunk Motel 6



    Attempt at Significance


    Let's Put the X in Sex

    Attempt at spelling

    Openly anti-Muslim

    Rock 'N' Roll All Nite

    Arena-Gonorrhea Rock


    I Miss You

    Missing some nads?

    The Knack

    Good Girls Don't

    Truth Comes Out

    Jean Knight

    Mr. Big Stuff

    Miss Piggy in a Leisure Suit

    Kool and the Gang


    Heard at Tipper's Wedding

    Lenny Kravitz

    American Woman

    I Hendrix; I Lightweight


    Are You Gonna Go My Way

    Clay Aiken with soul


    Fly Away

    No-talent Tango


    It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over

    Alternative My Ass


    Lady Marmalade (Voulez Vous Couchez Avec Moi, Ce Soir?)

    Disco-Slut Cretin-Bimbo Floozie-Tramp Moron

    P. Labelle/M. McDonald

    On My Own

    Insipid 70's Duet

    Cyndi Lauper

    Girls Just Want to Have Fun

    VH1's 'Big 80s'

    Vicki Lawrence

    The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia

    Makes Cougar Look Exciting

    Peggy Lee

    Is That All There Is?

    Weird Uncle Clem

    Donna Lewis

    I Love You Always Forever

    Please See Through This Crap

    Huey Lewis & the News

    Doing it All for My Baby



    Do You Believe in Love?

    Do you believe in nads?

    All-Time Dogs

    Heart and Soul

    Bowling-Alley Boogie


    The Heart of Rock & Roll

    Is a rigged American market

    Lightweight. Airbrushed.

    Hip to Be Square

    Huey Should Know


    I Want a New Drug combat mediocrity?

    In other words,

    Jacob's Ladder

    Cheesy Biblical Reference

    they're the Love Boat

    Perfect World without Hootie

    of '80s pop.

    The Power of Love

    The thrill of marketing...


    Stuck With You

    ..& the agony of isolationism

    The 'Roid Boys

    Working for a Living

    Buy that Man a Meisterbrau!

    Limp Bizkit

    Break Stuff

    Moron Baiting



    Backstreet Boys of rap-metal



    Limp johnson

    Mark Lindsay

    Silver Bird

    Blown Away by the Brits

    Linkin Park

    In the End

    Where the sheep likes it

    Art Linkletter

    We Love You, Call Collect

    Attempt at Significance

    Little River Band

    Cool Change

    Wussies Down Under



    Smells like Lionel Ritchie


    Lonesome Loser

    Al Bundy on a Bad Day



    Nominee for wurst video ever


    All Over You

    Illiterate Slacker with a Pager




    Foreigner for the 90's

    I Alone

    Isolationist Nation


    Lightning Crashes

    Illiterate Frat Boy from Hell

    LL Cool J

    Doin' It

    Shit-Talk with a Beat


    Party Rock Anthem

    Led Balloon


    Sexy and I Know It

    Auto-Tune Twits


    I'd Love You to Want Me



    Me and You & a Dog Named Boo

    Animal Abuse

    Dave Loggins

    Please Come to Boston

    Post-60's Regression

    Kenny Loggins

    Danger Zone

    Cheap Movie Tie-In



    Screw loose


    (Love) My Music

    Supermarket Muzak


    Whenever I Call You Friend

    With friends like you...

    Loggins & Messina

    You're Mama Don't Dance (and Your Daddy Don't Rock & Roll)

    Sludge of the 70's

    Looking Glass


    Pre-Soft Rock


    Team (2013)

    Kiwi teenie league


    Everybody's Working for the Weekend


    Single-handedly expanded

    Hot Girls in Love

    Rosie O'Donnell in Junior High

    the meaning of

    The Kid is Hot Tonight

    UPS Driver, Friday Afternoon

    rock 'n roll 'roids, not

    Lovin' Every Minute of It

    Vo-Tech Dance Party

    to mention 'worthless.'

    Take Me to the Top

    Canadian Cretins


    Turn Me Loose

    Forklift-Academy Graduation

    The Lumineers

    Hey Ho

    'Fun' soundalikes

    Lynyrd Skynyrd

    Call Me the Breeze

    ..& lay off those beans


    Gimme Three Steps

    ...and pass the Red Man


    Saturday Night Special

    Dukes-of-Hazard Rock

    Confederate Rock,

    That Smell


    heard at the Agway.

    What's Your Name?

    ...& do you have any Skoal?


    You Got That Right

    Cougar & Seger are God?

    Mary MacGregor

    Torn Between Two Lovers

    Pee Wee Sings to His Hands



    Sodom & Gomorrah

    (Venereal Girl)

    This Used to Be My Playground

    The Dodgers locker room?


    Who's That Girl?

    The movie was even worse

    Main Ingredient

    Everybody Plays the Fool

    Do the 8-Track Tango

    Melissa Manchester

    Don't Cry Out Loud

    Miss Piggy Goes Soft-Rock


    You Should Hear How She Talks About You

    Holiday Inn Lounge Lizard

    Barry Manilow

    Can't Smile Without You




    ..hottest spot in all Montana


    Could It Be Magic?

    Could it be marketing?



    Maybe his worst, & that's bad

    Hot stuff....

    I Made It Through the Rain

    Self-Pity Pop the Catskills

    I Write the Songs

    And twerps buy them


    Looks Like We Made It Soft-Rock '93





    New York City Rhythm

    More fun than a stale knish


    Ready to Take a Chance Again

    Smells Like Bolton


    Ships (2 Ships Pass in the Night)

    Big Kahuna of Kitsch

    Mannfred Mann

    Blinded by the Light

    Do they really say 'douche'?

    Marcy Playground

    Sex and Candy

    Corporate Frat Boys

    Benny Mardones

    Into the Night

    Chronic Nad Deficiency


    Reflections of My Life

    Do the 8-Track Tango

    Maroon 5


    Corporate lapdogs


    Love Somebody

    Worst voice on radio


    She Will Be Loved

    Moron 5


    Toy Soldiers

    ...get Madonna excited

    Ricky Martin

    She Bangs

    And he blows

    Wink Martindale

    Deck of Cards


    Richard Marx

    Endless Summer Nights

    Endless String of Schlock


    Hold On to the Nights

    Soccer Moms in Heat


    Right Here Waiting for You

    Soccer Moms from Hell

    Master P

    Make 'Em Say Uhh

    Candidate for worst 'song' ever

    Matchbox 20

    Back 2 Good

    VH1 Confederate Pop

    Even rednecks think


    Almost a Worst 100

    these guys are redneck.

    3 AM

    Corporate Cattle Call

    Dave Matthews Band

    Crash Into Me

    Truth Comes Out



    Not Ready for Prime Time

    Maxi Priest

    I Just Want to be Close to You

    Soft-Rock Sludgepile

    John Mayer


    Pretentious as fuck


    Waiting on the World to Change

    Perils of procrastination

    C.W. McCall


    Truckstop Tango

    Peter McCann

    Do You Wanna Make Love?

    For 'Best Mix!' Imbeciles

    Paul McCartney

    Hope of Deliverance

    UPS driver, snowy day

    Marilyn McCoo & Billy Davis Jr.

    You Don't Have to Be a Star, Baby

    Era of the Insipid Duet

    Van McCoy

    The Hustle

    Smells Like Travolta

    Michael McDonald

    Sweet Freedom

    Movie Tie-Ins Usually Suck

    Bobby McFerrin

    Don't Worry, Be Happy

    Pseudo Zen Master

    Maureen McGovern

    The Morning After

    Check for a Pulse

    Don McLean

    American Pie

    Self-Assumed Litterateur

    Meat Loaf

    All Revved Up (& No Place to Go)

    Forklift Stuck in Mud?


    I'd Do Anything for Love

    Give that man another donut


    Paradise by the Dashboard Light

    Rent a motel room already


    Rock & Roll Dreams Come Through

    Where's the beef, porkie?


    Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

    Attempt at Significance


    You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth you could fit more food?

    The Meat Puppets


    Meat is Murder

    Mel and Tim

    Backfield in Motion

    John Madden's only 45


    Brand New Key

    Pre-Paula Cole

    John Cougar Mellencamp

    (see John Cougar)

    God's Gift to Podunk

    Sergio Mendes

    Never Gonna Let You Go

    Monica Lewinsky in Action

    Natalie Merchant


    Post-80's Regression



    Leave Band, Fall Apart



    More Effective than Sominex


    Love Can Make You Happy

    Pre-VH1 / 8-Track Tango

    Bette Midler

    From a Distance

    Soft-Rock Station from Hell


    Wind Beneath My Wings

    Smells Like Trout

    Mike & the Mechanics

    All I Need Is a Miracle

    ...and a lube job


    In the Living Years

    Soft-Rock Marketing 101


    Silent Running (Can You Hear Me)

    Attempt at Significance

    Steve Miller Band


    Magic My Ass


    Fly Like An Eagle

    & do the Forklift Foxtrot

    Too weak a band

    Jet Airliner

    Mayday! Mayday!

    to survive anywhere

    The Joker

    Self Portrait

    but within a

    Jungle Love

    Loading-Dock Rock

    closed & rigged

    Rock 'n Me

    Forklift Boogie

    American market.

    Space Cowboy
    (This makes his other crap look good.)

    Ronald-Reagan Rock /
    Ride 'em, horsie!



    Swing on This

    Hot stuff at the Agway

    Take the Money and Run

    You Learn Well

    Mr. Big

    To Be With You

    Bobby Sherman for the 90's

    Mr. Mister

    Broken Wings

    Broken Nads?



    Too Many Misters

    Mr. T

    Treat Your Mother Right

    Pre-Will Smith

    Joni Mitchell

    Free Man in Paris

    ...The Ugly American


    Help Me

    The Title Says It All


    Eres Tu (Touch the Wind)

    No Tengo Talento

    Eddie Money

    Baby Hold On

    Cousin Luigi Likes It


    The Big Crash

    Drunk Forklift Driver

    Ex-Cop Pop

    I Think I'm In Love

    ...with a closed U.S. market?


    I Wanna Go Back Wood Shop 101?



    Pee Wee Alone at the Movies


    Take Me Home Tonight

    k.d. lang to Ellen DeGeneres?


    Two Tickets to Paradise

    Front-row seats for the WWF?


    Walk on Water

    Got a Christ complex?

    Alanis Morissette

    Hand in My Pocket

    The other one on fen-phen



    Viacom Poster Child

    Minnie Pearl for the 90's

    You Learn

    That marketing precedes talent


    You Oughtta Know
    (Made MTV's Top-50-Ever Alternative list)

    Pre-Puberty Female Mall Rat Shoplifting Training Bras

    Motley Crue

    Kickstart My Heart

    I'm Out of Airplane Glue! L

    Mouth & McNeal

    How Do You Do?

    Post-60's Regression

    Moving Pictures

    What About Me

    What About You?

    Maria Muldaur

    Midnight At the Oasis

    Pee Wee at the Late Show

    Shawn Mullins



    Michael Murphy


    Planet Tipper

    Walter Murphy & the Big Apple Band

    A Fifth of Beethoven

    Leisure Suits & Lava Lamps & CHiPs Reruns


    (Push Push) In the Bush

    Sodom & Gomorrah

    Alannah Myles

    Black Velvet



    Love Hurts

    So Do Spandex Pants

    Rickie Nelson

    Garden Party

    Sour Grapes


    Travelin' Man

    Heard at Newt's Frat Party

    Randy Newman

    Short People

    Pre-Weird Al

    Willie Nelson

    To All the Girls I Loved Before

    Bragging Or Something?

    Robbie Nevil

    C'est La Vie

    Brain du Mort

    New Kids on the Block

    Hangin' Tough


    Wayne Newton

    Daddy Don't You Walk So Fast

    Sedaka Nails Pollyanna

    Olivia Newton-John

    Have You Never Been Mellow

    Do the 8-Track Tango


    Heart Attack

    Al Bundy After 5 Coffees


    Hopelessly Devoted to You

    Tipper to that shower massage


    I Honestly Love You

    Olivia Neutron-Bomb

    Martha Stewart of Pop

    Let Me Be There

    Barf-Bag Pop


    (Have to Believe We Are) Magic

    Soft-Rock Hall of Heaves



    Low Point of the 80's


    Please, Mister, Please

    Pre-Shawn Colvin





    Xanadu (with ELO)

    Pre-Sheryl Corporate Crow

    New York City

    I'm Doing Fine Now (Without You, Baby)

    Should've never been allowed to call themselves 'NYC'


    How You Remind Me

    . . . of payola

    Stevie Nicks w/ Loggins

    Whenever I Call You 'Friend'

    With friends like these...

    Maxine Nightingale

    Right Back Where We Started From

    Maalox Moment in D Minor

    Night Ranger

    Don't Tell Me You Love Me

    Pre-Verve Pipe


    Sister Christian

    Pre-Goo Goo Dolls


    When You Close Your Eyes

    Pre-Smashing Pumpkins


    You Can Still Rock in America

    Even Without Talent

    Leonard Nimoy

    Both Sides Now ('68)

    Doctor Schlock

    1910 Fruitgum Company

    1,2,3, Red Light

    They Can Count!


    Simon Says

    Pre-Stone Temple Pilots


    All Apologies (Unplugged)

    AMA (Alternative My Ass)

    Plagiarists who took



    '80s' by the Killing Joke


    Diaper-Rash Mall-ternative

    and called it

    Heart-Shaped Box

    Frat Boy from Hell

    'Come As You Are'

    In Bloom

    8th-Grade Dance Party


    Lake of Fire

    Meat Puppet Wanna-Be's

    The Payola Trio


    Post-80's Regression


    Rape Me

    Backstreet Boys of Grunge


    Smells Like Teen Spirit

    Smells Like Payola

    The Nixons


    They should resign, too

    Kenny Nolan

    I Like Dreamin'


    Ted Nugent

    Cat Scratch Fever

    Music to Roll Tobacco By


    Kiss My Ass

    Fox-News Flunkie

    Oak Ridge Boys




    Put Your Hand in the Hand

    Pre-Christian Rock

    Billy Ocean

    Get Into My Car

    Young Al to Young Tipper





    When the Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going

    Pissed-off soccer mom after someone cuts off her minivan


    Native New Yorker

    Disco Drek

    The Offspring

    Come Out and Play (Keep 'em Separated)

    AMA (Alternative My Ass) / Junior High School Dropout


    Self Esteem

    Self Abuse

    Ohio Express

    Yummy Yummy Yummy

    Crummy Crummy Crummy

    The O'Jays

    I Love Music

    Imitation Soul


    Love Train

    Derailment in C Major

    Yoko Ono

    Kiss Kiss Kiss

    Weird Uncle Clem

    Tony Orlando & Dawn


    Early Anglophobic Market


    Knock Three Times

    Cousin Luigi in Heat


    Say, Has Anybody Seen My Sweet Gypsy Rose?

    Sludge of the 70's/Pre-90's


    Tie a Yellow Ribbon

    Mr.-Rogers Pop


    Who's in the Strawberry Patch With Sally?

    Exciting as the Foo Fighters


    Dance With Me

    Chronic Nad Deficiency


    You're Still the One

    Tipper to that shower massage

    Joan Osborne

    (What if God Was) One of Us

    Attempt at Shock Value

    Jeffrey Osbourne

    On the Wings of Love

    Brain Death in D Minor

    The Osmond Brothers

    One Bad Apple


    Donny Osmond

    Go Away Little Girl

    Pee Wee's Second 45


    Puppy Love

    Sheep are Preferable


    Soldier of Love

    Pentagon Boogie


    Sweet and Innocent

    The Way Bill Likes 'Em

    Marie Osmond

    Paper Roses

    VH1-Type Country Pop

    Donny & Marie Osmond

    Deep Purple

    Revenge of the Mormons

    Alan O'Day

    Undercover Angel

    Sludge of the 70's

    Gilbert O'Sullivan


    Closet Pedophiliac?

    Ozark Mtn. Daredevils

    If You Want to Get to Heaven

    Post-60's Regression


    Jackie Blue

    Mood-Ring Pop

    Pattie Page

    (How Much is That) Doggie in the Window?

    Tipper's First Record

    Paper Lace

    The Night Chicago Died

    Typical 70's Drek

    Ray Parker Jr.


    One of the worst movies ever.

    John Parr

    Naughty Naughty

    Cheezie Cheezie


    St. Elmo's Fire

    Huey Lewis Thinks It's Hip

    Alan Parsons Project

    Eye in the Sky

    Closet Voyeurs?

    Dolly Parton

    9 to 5

    Thanks For the Mammories

    The Partridge Family

    I Think I Love You


    Pre-Backstreet Boys

    I Woke Up in Love This Morning

    Was it sticky?


    Range Life


    For college DJ's who can't

    Shady Lane

    Tiny Tim for the 90's

    think for themselves.


    Post-'80s Regression

    Johnny Paycheck

    Take This Job and Shove It

    Truckstop Tango

    Peaches & Herb


    Fat Postal Clerk Convention

    Pearl Jam


    Curt Cobain once called Pearl

    The favorite band of every

    Better Man

    Jam 'alternative,' so let's drop

    Cub Scout in America


    this myth that Cobain was



    some kind of visionary



    Mall-Rat Isolationist Rock

    Eddie Vedder thinks he's

    Hail, Hail

    Alternative My Ass

    Jim Morrison or something


    The age group they target.


    Last Kiss

    Korporate ass-kissers

    Steve Perry

    Foolish Heart

    Does this dude have no pride?


    Oh Sherry

    For Soft-Rock Losers

    Ray Peterson

    Tell Laura I Love Her

    David Geddes' Godfather?

    Tom Petty

    American Girl

    ...can't find Europe on a map


    Climb That Hill

    The Confederacy Strikes Back


    Free Fallin'

    Pre-Matchbox 20


    Into the Great Wide Open

    Where you stick your chew?


    It's Good To Be King

    Royal Redneck

    NASCAR Rock,

    I Won't Back Down

    Goes good with grits

    sponsored by Skoal

    Mary Jane's Last Dance

    Hang It Up, Billy Jack


    Out in the Cold

    Hot stuff, in Podunk



    Hot stuff, in Tulsa


    You Don't Know How It Feels

    ...under that cheezy hat?

    Phantom Planet

    California (2002)

    Theme from "The O.C."


    Bouncing 'Round the Room

    Just groovy, man


    (Oh, Oh, Oh, It's) Magic

    The shower massage works!

    Plain White T's

    Hey There, Delilah ('07)

    Soft rock for soft minds


    Baby Come Back the trailer park


    Angry Johnny

    Attempt at Shock Value / MTV


    Every Rose Has Its Thorn

    Cheesy Hair-Metal Metaphor;
    Pre-Stone Temple Pilots


    Fallen Angel

    Groupie Bait

    The Poppy Family

    Which Way You Goin', Billy?

    Future VH1 Icons

    Presidents of the USA


    Impeachable offense




    Elvis Presley

    Are You Lonesome, Tonight?

    Pee Wee with a broken hand


    Jerry Was a Racecar Driver

    Hyper-pretentious video


    My Name is Mud

    Assholus Flamolus



    Sodom & Gomorrah



    Assinine Lyrics

    The Proclaimers

    I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)

    Pocket-Protector Pop


    Harden My Heart

    Al Bundy on a Bad Day


    Another One Bites the Dust

    This one just bites


    Fat Bottomed Girls

    Attempt at Humor


    Radio Ga Ga

    Radio Ka-Ka


    Dine Alone

    Illiterate Post-Grunge Slacker

    Quiet Riot

    Cum On, Feel the Noise

    Cum on, sniff the glue

    Eddie Rabbit

    I Love a Rainy Night

    Heard on Radio Walmart

    Rage Against the Machine

    Bulls on Parade

    We're Tough Guys


    People of the Sun

    Illiterate Slacker with a Pager

    Gerry Rafferty

    Right Down the Line

    Pre-Duncan Sheik


    Stone Cold

    Spinal Tap impostors


    Street of Dreams

    Loading-Dock Rock

    Ram Jam

    Black Betty

    Where's My Bowling Bag?

    The Raspberries

    Go All the Way the East Room, Monica


    Come and Get Your Love

    Newt's First Stiffy

    Helen Reddy

    Angie Baby

    Pre-Sarah McLachlan

    Pre-Jewel, minus

    Delta Dawn

    Pre-VH1 Country Pop

    the cheesy

    I Am Woman


    book of poetry.

    Ruby Red Dress

    Probably her worst


    You and Me Against the World

    Sedaka Paranoia

    Red Hot Chili Peppers


    Post-80's Regression

    If you were under any

    Breaking the Girl

    AMA (Alternative My Ass)

    delusion these guys


    Corporate Masturbation

    are 'alternative,' then

    Give It Away

    Frat Boy from Hell

    "Love Rollercoaster"

    Love Rollercoaster

    Free barf-bag included

    should put the matter

    Snow (Hey Oh)

    Red Hot Chili Poseurs

    to rest.

    Soul to Squeeze

    Wheat-Belt 'Alternative'


    Suck My Kiss Songs like this can put
    Dog Chow out of business

    One of the worst songs ever recorded by anyone. Ever.


    Under the Bridge

    Marketing yes. Substance no.

    Reel Big Fish

    Sell Out

    Ska for Frat Boys


    Shiny Happy People

    Highly overrated group

    The Rembrandts

    I'll Be There for You the VH1 studios


    Just the Way It Is, Baby

    Post-80's Regression

    REO Speedwagon

    Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore

    Gonadically Challenged

    It's pretty nice when

    Don't Let Her Go

    Meisterbrau Pop

    a closed U.S. market

    Keep on Loving You

    Blown Away by the Brits

    protects you from

    Riding the Storm Out

    Forklift Driver, Overcast Day

    any real competition in

    Roll With the Changes

    Postal Clerk About to be Fired

    the form of talented

    Take It On the Run

    Take It Up the Ass

    British performers.

    Time for Me to Fly

    Tipper Spots the Stiffy J

    The Righteous Brothers

    Rock and Roll Heaven

    Should've Retired by Then

    Minnie Ripperton

    Loving You

    Pre-Tiffany / Pre-Jewel

    Lionel Ritchie

    All Night Long

    Nympho Soccer-Mom


    Dancing on the Ceiling

    Tipper after too many highballs



    Call the firing squad



    Attempt at Romance


    Say You, Say Me

    Say Cheese



    Truly Pre-Geriatric


    You Are

    And You are shameless

    Johnny Rivers

    Rockin' Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Flu

    Billy Jack on the Town

    Vicki Sue Robinson

    Turn the Beat Around

    Turn the sheep around

    Tommy Roe

    Sweet Pea

    Blown Away by the Brits

    Kenny Rogers

    Coward of the County

    Pandering to Podunk



    Kenny knows better, but


    Through the Years

    there's money in schlock.

    Rolling Stones

    Beast of Burden

    Another word for 'ass'?


    Miss You well as the alimony

    Still the 2nd greatest ever


    Shadow of former selves


    She's So Cold

    But so's the Meisterbrau!

    Rose Garden

    Next Plane to London

    Take John Cougar with you

    Diana Ross

    Do You Know Where You're Going To? Soft-Rock Hall of Heaves


    Upside Down

    Burned Out

    Rose Royce

    Car Wash

    From a horrible movie

    Rossington Collins Band

    Don't Misunderstand Me

    ... for real Southern rock

    David Lee Roth

    California Girls

    UPS Driver on the Prowl


    Don't Piss Me Off

    Let's deport this twit


    Easy Street

    Sure is, the market's rigged

    The 'Roid of 'Roids

    Just a Gigolo

    UPS Driver With a Big Stiffy


    Just Like Paradise

    ..when your career ended


    That's Life

    That's Pathetic


    Yankee Rose

    In the Worst 100


    Tell Me Something Good


    Todd Rundgren

    Hello, It's Me

    Era of the Sensitive Male


    I Saw the Light

    That's Debatable


    We Gotta Get You Woman

    Not in Pee Wee's collection



    In the Worst 100


    Closer to the Heart

    Outclassed by the Brits


    Fly By Night

    Need a surface-to-air missile



    A decade behind the times


    Test For Echo

    Hang It Up Already


    Tom Sawyer

    FDA-Approved Classic Rock

    Leon Russell

    Tight Rope

    A noose would suit you well

    Sergeant Barry Sadler

    The Ballad of the Green Berets

    Attempt at Significance


    On the Loose

    Staple of 80's Schlock-Rock


    Wind Him Up

    Canadian Styx

    Adam Sandler

    The Lonesome Kicker

    Attempt at humor;
    Success at crass marketing

    Sanford Townsend Band

    Smoke from a Distant Fire

    Soccer-Mom Serenade

    Santana (w/ Chad Kroeger)

    Into the Night ('07)

    Stench of Nickelback

    Santana (w/ Rob Thomas)

    Smooth ('99)

    Stench of Matchbox 20

    Leo Sayer

    Long Tall Glasses (I Can Dance)

    Weird Uncle Clem


    When I Need You

    Sludge of the 70's


    You Make Me Feel Like Dancing a pink leisure suit


    Goodbye to You

    Goodbye to you


    The Warrior

    Bimbo with an Attitude

    Seals & Crofts

    Diamond Girl

    Post-60's Regression


    Get Closer

    Total wuss, rhymes w/ puss



    Monica's Code Name?


    Summer Breeze




    Typical boring American indie

    Neil Sedaka

    Breaking Up is Hard to Do

    Gonadically Challenged


    Calendar Girl

    Why we needed The Beatles


    Happy Birthday Sweet 16



    Laughter in the Rain



    Next Door to an Angel

    Pop Liberace

    Bob Seger

    Against the Wind

    Break Like the Wind

    *The Dog of Dogs

    Beautiful Loser

    Pass the Grits, Gomer


    Betty Lou's Gettin' Out Tonight

    Truckstop Tango


    Feel Like a Number

    And I sound like Podunk


    Fire Lake

    Burned Out Bore


    Get Out of Denver

    Homeboy gets down

    Soaring to new heights of

    The Fire Down Below

    Tractor-Pull Tango

    unparalleled mediocrity.

    Her Strut

    Mel's Monster-Truck Madness


    Hollywood Nights

    Bowling-Bag Boogie


    Horizontal Bop

    Where's My Skoal, Barney?

    A career built upon


    Cheyenne Shuffle

    affirmative action for

    Like a Rock

    All his songs are virtually the

    two-bit country rockers.

    Main Street

    same, with slight variations.


    Night Moves

    For rednex w/ green teeth


    Nine Tonight

    Pre-Matchbox 20


    Old Time Rock & Roll

    Billy Jack, after 5 Meisterbraus


    Ramblin' Gamblin' Man

    Saturday Night Barndance

    This home-boy never

    Rock 'n Roll Never Forgets

    Do the backhoe boogie

    had any business


    Let's Go Cow-Tipping!

    showing up on

    Shame on the Moon

    Here I Come, Branson

    U.S. rock stations.

    Still the Same

    I Rule This Trailer Park, Baby


    Sunspot Baby

    Don't Forget the Red-Man


    Tryin' to Live My Life w/o You

    Affirmative-action Flunkie


    Turn the Page

    Why do 2nd-rate dullards



    insist on singing about

    Post-Boxcar Willie

    We've Got Tonight

    life on the road?


    You'll Accomp'ny Me the grain silo, hay-yupp!

    Michael Sembello

    She's a Maniac

    Why Monica got the job


    Closing Time

    Corporate-Puppet Pop

    The Shaggs

    My Pal Foot Foot

    Pre-VH1's 'Women First!'

    William Shatner

    Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds

    Wookie on Acid

    Duncan Sheik

    Barely Breathing

    VH1 wuss, rhymes with puss

    Bobby Sherman

    Easy Come, Easy Go

    He's Got That Right


    Hey Little Woman

    Pre-Puberty / Post-Pat Boone


    Julie Do You Love Me?

    Pre-Backstreet Boys



    One-Style Wonders



    More fun than silverfish

    Silver Convention

    Fly Robin Fly

    Disco-Cretin Cokehead

    Simon & Garfunkle


    Burned Out

    Carly Simon

    Nobody Does It Better

    Hanging out with James Taylor too long


    You're So Vain

    Personal Agenda

    Paul Simon

    50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

    Self-Assumed Litterateur



    Say "Cheese!"


    Loves Me Like a Rock

    Washed-up bore


    Mother and Child Reunion

    Attempt at Significance


    You Can Call Me Al

    Beating a dead horse

    Sir Mix-a-Lot

    Baby Got Back

    Attempt at T&A Humor

    Sister Hazel

    All for You

    Merle Haggard for the 90's

    Sister Sledge

    We Are Family

    Sister Sludge

    Skid Row

    18 & Life

    Glue Sniffers in Spandex


    I Remember You

    After all that glue?


    Fly to the Angels

    Live! At the Podunk Arena!


    Up All Night

    ..chasing pre-teen nymphos

    Millie Small

    My Boy Lollipop

    Bill's Code Name, to Monica

    Smashing Pumpkins (Smashing Bores)

    Bullet With Butterfly Wings

    (Rat in a Cage)



    Poor man's Robert Smith


    Tonight, Tonight

    Sounds like a whining baby

    Hurricane Smith

    Oh Babe, What Would You Say

    Federal Disaster Area

    Will Smith

    Freakin' It

    Hair Metal for the 'Hood

    David Lee Roth for the 90's

    Just Cruisin'

    Image, yes. Substance, no.



    Almost a Worst 100

    Phoebe Snow

    Poetry Man


    Sonic-but-Boring Youth

    Bull in the Heather

    They're so cool it hurts


    Kool Thing

    Corporate-Driven No-Wave


    Teen Age Riot

    Self-Assumed Artistes

    Soul Asylum

    Black Gold

    Post-80's Regression

    David Soul

    Don't Give Up On Us, Baby



    Black Hole Sun

    For Junior-High Mall Rats

    Heart for the 90's


    Well put


    Pretty Noose

    Played on "Alternative" Nation



    Trailer-Park "Modern" Rock

    The Spin Doctors

    Little Miss Can't Be Wrong

    Post-80's Regression

    Did they lift the name from Ireland's talented Saw Doctors?

    Two Princes

    Affirmative Action

    The Spinners

    Could It Be I'm Falling In Love

    Tipper, upon learning the shower massage really gets the job done


    Games People Play

    Corporate Soul


    One of a Kind (Love Affair)

    Leisure-Suit Soul


    Rubberband Man

    Released after their star faded

    The Spiral Staircase

    I Love You More Today Than Yesterday

    Insipid Studio Band

    Rick Springfield

    Affair of the Heart

    Seen on VH1


    Don't Talk to Strangers

    And don't sing to us


    I've Done Everything for You

    Stick to soap operas


    Jessie's Girl

    Trailer-Park Tango




    Billy Squier

    Everybody Wants You

    Profiled on VH1


    The Stroke

    Not a magician with language

    Jim Stafford

    (I Don't Like) Spiders & Snakes

    Pass the Grits, Hank!


    My Girl Bill

    It is true about Hillary!

    Frank Stallone

    Far From Over

    Nepotism (Sylvester's brother)

    The Stampeders

    Sweet City Woman

    Post-60's Regression


    Moonlight Feels Right

    One-Hit Blunder

    Starland Vocal Band

    Afternoon Delight

    Repressed Sexual Fantasy

    Ringo Starr

    Back Off, Boogaloo

    Name Exploitation

    Ringo has earned God-

    It Don't Come Easy

    Post-60's Regression

    like status, but you have

    The No-No Song

    Nyet Nyet

    to call a spade a spade.

    You're Sixteen

    Questionable Cover

    Stealers Wheel

    Stuck in the Middle With You

    Should've used Vaseline

    Steely Dan

    Black Friday

    Post-60's Regression

    * All-Time Dogs

    Deacon Blues



    Doctor Wu

    Lava-Lamp Rock


    Do It Again

    Makes Gore look exciting

    Single-handedly embodies

    Don't Take Me Alive

    We wouldn't dream of it

    all that was wrong


    Go bother AM

    with the 1970's.

    Hey 19

    Starsky-and-Hutch Rock


    My Old School

    Old School, that's for sure



    Who needs Sominex?


    Reelin' In the Years

    Horrendous lyrics


    Rikki Don't Lose That Number

    Pre-90's Regression

    Cat Stephens


    Eclipsed by the Brits

    A good friend

    Morning Has Broken

    Era of the Sensitive Male

    of Salman Rushdie.

    Oh Very Young

    Self-Assumed Litterateur


    Peace Train

    Just groovy, man

    Ray Stevens

    Everything is Beautiful

    Attempt at Significance

    Actually a talented guy

    The Streak

    Cheezy Novelty

    B.W. Stevenson

    My Maria

    Pre-VH1 Country Pop

    Al Stewart

    Time Passages

    Al Waxes Philosophical

    Rod Stewart

    Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?

    Do You Know I'm 50?

    An All-Time Dog

    Have I Told You That I Love You?

    Throw Your Panties At Me . .


    Hot Legs

    . . . and your training bra

    Let's hope he


    Clinton, with suction devices

    someday again

    Love Touch

    Sludge Touch

    uses that voice

    Maggie May

    Overplayed to the Gills

    for productive purposes.


    Wrap That Rascal


    Some Guys Have All the Luck

    ..& all the amphetamines, too


    Tonight's the Night

    Tomorrow: Herpes


    You're In My Heart

    Soft-Rock Hall of Heaves

    Stone Temple Pilots

    Big Empty

    Glue-Sniffer/Mall Rat/Gag Me

    (4 out of 5 eighth-graders


    MTV / Post-80's Regression

    surveyed recommend

    Interstate Love Song

    Pre-Frat Boy from Hell

    STP to their friends.)


    Check for Diaper Rash


    Sex Type Thing

    Pampers-Type Thang

    The Stories

    Brother Louie

    Post-60's Regression

    The Stylistics

    Betcha By Golly Wow

    Matchbox 20's total vocabulary

    These guys make

    Break Up to Make Up

    Leisure Suit, w/ Heave Stains

    listening to oldies

    I'm Stone In Love With You

    Self-Assumed Wordsmiths

    stations a miserable

    Rock and Roll Baby

    Sedaka Soul


    You are Everything (And Everything Is You)

    Sludge of the 70's


    You Make Me Feel Brand New

    Leisure Suit (Bright Red)



    UPS Driver Checking Out Chix


    Blue Collar Man (Long Nights)

    Security Guard, Third Shift


    Come Sail Away

    Daydreaming Forklift Operator

    Can someone explain

    Foolin' Yourself

    Angry Young Forklift Operator

    why U.S. 'rock' stations

    The Grand Illusion

    My forklift runs on Meisterbrau

    slobbered over Styx


    Wouldn't survive a free market

    but never once

    Light Up

    Classic rock? Classic crock

    played The Cure?


    My Forklift Can Fly


    Mr. Roboto

    Japanese Forklift Operator

    Talk about a closed,


    I'm In Charge of This Forklift

    isolationist market.

    Rockin' the Paradise

    Blown Away by 80's Brits


    Show Me the Way

    Forklift driver lost his map


    Suite Madame Blue

    Oh What a Double Entendre


    Too Much Time on My Hands

    ... and not enough gism


    Don't Call Us, We'll Call You

    Good advice for Styx

    Sugar Ray


    For brain-dead '90s' stations

    Donna Summer

    She Works Hard for the Money

    Mayflower-Madame Pop


    Burning Heart

    Acid reflux


    Eye of the Tiger

    Sylvester Stallone lackeys

    Some of the worst

    High on You

    Exciting Montana

    pop of the 80's.

    I Can't Hold Back

    Premature ejaculators?


    The Search is Over

    So's their career, thank God

    Billy Swan

    I Can Help

    Clueless Tobacco Chewer

    Patrick Swayze

    She's Like the Wind

    Soccer-Mom w/ New Minivan


    Ballroom Blitz

    Junior-College Frat Boy


    Fox on the Run

    High art, in Podunk


    Little Willy

    Bill's schlong, to Monica


    Love is Like Oxygen

    Masters of Metaphor

    Matthew Sweet


    College Pseudo-Alternative

    Norma Tanega

    Walking My Cat Named Dog

    That's one ugly pussy

    A Taste of Honey

    Boogie Oogie Oogie

    Profound Lyrics


    Heaven Must Be Missing an Angel

    And you're missing 2 nads

    R. Dean Taylor

    Indiana Wants Me

    No one else does

    James Taylor

    Don't Let Me Be Lonely Tonight

    Soft-Rock 'Roids

    *An All-Time Dog


    Clever title, Jimmy boy


    Handy Man

    Pee Wee, at the drive-in

    This guy is a bona-fide

    How Sweet It is (To Be Loved By You)

    Who Crop-Dusted the Room?

    one-man cheese factory.


    Promise to stay there?


    (You Are My) Only One



    Shower the People

    Post-60's Regression

    VH1 Story-teller

    Up On the Roof

    Newt in Heat


    Your Smiling Face

    A Case for Deportation


    You've Got a Friend

    Solitude has its Merits

    Tee Set

    Ma Belle Amie

    Beatles Knock-off

    Temple of the Dog

    Hunger Strike

    Talent Strike / MTV

    10 CC

    The Things We Do For Love

    If Pee Wee's hands could talk

    10,000 Maniacs

    Because the Night (Unplugged)

    Speaking of un-plugged, what's Natalie been doing lately?


    Candy Everybody Wants

    Horrible Title


    Trouble Me

    Check for a Pulse

    They Might Be Giants

    Birdhouse in Your Soul

    They Might be Musicians


    Particle Man

    Dr. Demento Filler Material

    Thin Lizzie

    The Boys are Back in Town

    ..from the Aerosmith concert?



    Pre-Sister Hazel

    Third Eye Blind


    If they're any good, why are they on VH1?

    .38 Special

    Back Where You Belong

    ...selling Skoal at 7/11?

    Featuring the cheesiest

    Hold On Loosely

    Billy-Jack Rock

    hat in country rock.

    So Caught Up in You

    Where's My NRA Sticker?

    B.J. Thomas

    Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song

    Self-Appointed Wordsmith


    Eyes of a New York Woman

    Self-Assumed Litterateur


    Hooked on a Feeling

    As fun as Hooked on Phonics


    Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head

    It's bird-shit, you moron


    Rock and Roll Lullaby


    Sue Thompson


    As exciting as Schwarzkopf

    George Thorogood

    Bad to the Bone

    Drinking and Forklift Driving


    Move It On Over

    Truckstop Tango

    Three Dog Night

    Black and White

    Blown Away by the Brits



    Obliterated by the Brits

    Aptly named

    Easy to be Hard

    Humiliated by the Brits


    Joy to the World

    Outclassed by the Brits


    Just an Old-Fashioned Love Song

    Outsmarted by the Brits

    Pre-Third Eye Blind

    The Show Must Go On

    Says who, your agent?


    Never Been to Spain

    You can go, if you stay






    For Dumphux on Snowboards


    Love Song

    Worst cover ever?


    I Think We're Alone Now

    Half-Ass Cover

    Tiny Tim

    Tip-Toe Through the Tulips

    "Pavement" for the 60's

    Toad the Wet Sprocket

    Come Down

    VH1 'Crossroads'


    Walk on the Ocean

    VH1 alterno-poseurs

    The Tokens

    The Lion Sleeps Tonight

    Not Worth Classifying


    If You Could Only See

    Blind leading deaf


    I'll Be Over You

    Oprah Bought It

    John Travolta

    Let Her In

    Smells Like Bobby Sherman

    Tripping Daisy

    I Got a Girl

    AMA (Alternative My Ass)

    The Tubes

    She's a Beauty

    Third-Rate New Wave

    Shania Twain

    You're Still the One

    Indian My Ass

    Twisted Sister

    We're Not Gonna Take It

    Dysfunctional family

    Bonnie Tyler

    Holding Out for a Hero

    Candidate for Worst 100


    Total Eclipse of the Heart

    Work on those metaphors

    The Tymes

    You Little Trustmaker

    Sludge of the '70s

    Ugly Kid Joe

    Everything About You

    80's Glue Sniffer

    Urge Overkill

    Sister Havana

    AMA / Pseudo-Alternative

    USA for Africa

    We Are the World

    USA for Isolationism

    Frankie Valli


    Burned Out


    My Eyes Adored You

    Leisure Suit (Pastel Yellow)


    Swearin' to God (w/ 4 Seasons)

    Smells Like Jersey City

    Gino Vanelli

    I Just Wanna Stop

    Soccer-Mom Soft Rock

    Van Halen

    Can't Stop Lovin' You

    Vo-Tech Tango

    Uniquely incapable


    Rhymes with Chump

    of tackling

    Right Now

    Musical Ken-L-Ration

    intelligent themes.

    When It's Love

    This is Rock?

    Vanilla Ice

    Ice Ice Baby

    Thank God He's Gone

    Vanity Fair

    Hitchin' a Ride

    Post-60's Regression

    Randy Vanwarmer

    (You Left Me) Just When I Needed You Most

    Soft-Rock Landfill / Attempt at a Half-Ass Tearjerker

    Eddie Vedder

    Far Behind

    Pearl Jam lackey

    Bobby Vee

    Run to Him

    Pre-Backstreet Boys


    Take Good Care of My Baby

    Bigger wuss than Sedaka

    Suzanne Vega

    Blood Makes Noise

    Oh what vocal range

    She talks because

    99.9 (Fahrenheit Degrees)

    College Radio Hall of Heaves

    she can't sing.

    Tom's Diner

    ...serves lots of cheese

    Billy Vera & the Beaters

    At This Moment (The standard by which all cheese is measured.)

    That absurd song from
    Family Ties

    Vertical Horizon

    Everything You Want

    VH1 Lackeys

    The Verve Pipe

    The Freshmen

    Archies of grunge/juvenalia

    The Village People

    In the Navy

    Weird Uncle Clem


    Macho Man

    Postal Clerk Pumping Iron


    San Francisco

    Cousin Luigi Sings It



    Where Uncle Clem Lives

    Bobby Vinton

    Blue on Blue

    Blue's Clueless


    Blue Velvet

    Bleu Cheese


    I Love How You Love Me

    Shania Twain, to VH1


    Mr. Lonely

    Whose fault is that?


    My Melody of Love

    No-Nad Hall of Fame


    Roses are Red



    There, I've Said It Again

    Thank God for The Beatles

    Violent Femmes

    Gone Daddy Gone

    Elder Abuse

    Wadsworth Mansion

    Sweet Mary

    Monica got her wad's worth

    Jack Wagner

    All I Need a couple more nads

    John Waite


    ...your diaper?


    Missing You

    Missing some testoserone?

    The Waitresses

    I Know What Boys Like

    ...girlfriends like Monica

    The Wallflowers

    The Difference

    Archies of Modern Rock



    The Spice Boys desecrate a classic

    The best music that

    One Headlight

    I, Jakob. I Liteweight.

    market research could

    6th Avenue Heartache


    ever hope to buy.

    Three Marlenas
    Do these dudes think they're too cool to express emotion?

    Illiterate Post-Grunge Goatee / Post-New Kids on the Block


    When You're On Top

    Payola's not far away

    Joe Walsh

    All Night Long

    3rd-Shift Forklift Operator


    Life's Been Good (To Me So Far)

    Forklift without a scratch

    Confederate Rock

    Rocky Mountain Way

    Say Hi to Boxcar Willie


    Cherry Pie

    Groupie-Slut Arena Rock


    Down Boys

    Juvenile-Delinquent Rock



    Hair-Metal Meatheads


    Sometimes She Cries

    Arrested development

    Dionne Warwick

    Love Power

    Almost a "Worst 100"


    Push Th' Little Daisies

    AMA (Alternative My Ass)


    Buddy Holly

    AMA / Corporate Puppets?


    El Scorcho

    College Pseudo-Alternative

    Night Ranger for the 90's

    Say It Ain't So

    Frat Boy from Hell


    Undone (The Sweater Song)

    College Radio Hall of Heaves

    White Lion


    Hair-metal = pre-grunge


    When the Children Cry

    (and just as opportunistic)

    White Plains

    My Baby Loves Lovin'

    She works in the East Room?


    Here I Go Again

    Macho Power Ballad


    Is This Love

    Cucumber-in-my-Pants Rock

    The White Stripes

    Icky Thump

    2008 Grammy winner

    The Who


    Burned Out



    Attempt at career resuscitation

    Wild Cherry

    Play That Funky Music (White Boy)

    Pre-LL Cool J

    Matthew Wilder

    (Ain't Nothin' Gonna) Break My Stride

    Postal Clerk Listening To A "Best Mix!" Soft-Rock Station

    Deniece Williams

    Let's Hear It For the Boy

    Cretin-Bimbo Slut-Pop

    Vanessa Williams


    Cheesy Marketing 101


    Save the Best for Last

    Soft-Rock Formula Song

    Bruce Willis

    Respect Yourself

    Kitsch Hall of Fame

    Wilson Phillips

    You're in Love

    & you're fat, so we're even


    Can't Get Enuff

    Can't Pass Postal Exam


    Headed for a Heartbreak

    MTV Loved 'Em



    Their Approximate I.Q.


    Silly Love Songs

    Even Gods Burn Out

    The Winstons

    Color Him Father

    Self-Appointed Wordsmiths

    Edgar Winter Group

    Free Ride

    Mindless Classic Rock

    Bill Withers

    Ain't No Sunshine (When She's Gone)

    PSR Boredom - some of the worst lyrics of the 70's


    Lean on Me

    Granola-Bar Soft Rock

    Peter Wolf

    Lights Out

    A Decade Behind the Times

    Stevie Wonder

    I Just Called to Say I Love You

    Postal Clerk with a Stiffy

    Gary Wright

    Dream Weaver

    Soft-Rock Archives

    Paul Young

    Every Time You Go Away

    Soft-Rock 'Roids

    The Youngbloods

    Get Together

    Too Long

    ZZ Top

    Tube Snake Boogie

    Take off those hats!


  • Almost anything from Seattle, MTV, or VH1 (especially someone who receives one of VH1's "awards").

  • Almost anything on a radio station that says "We have the best mix!," "Play us in the office all day!" "More fun!" or calls themselves "Alternative" "Hot" "Cutting Edge" or "Power."

  • Almost any performer who has appeared on the David Letterman Show. Isn't that right, Hootie? 

  • Almost anyone who has appeared on Saturday Night Live in the past five years, since both this show and Letterman are pit stops on the cheezy PR circuit.

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